I just rubbed my eyes a bit and I saw a toddler with baby clothes sitting and smiling at me, it's white skin like an American, I wonder what it means or why my eyes vision something like this, I love babies ever since I was young when my mother used to care for my nephew Jafni that's 8 years younger than me, it was a pleasure to have babies or toddlers in my life then my schizophrenia made me distant from them(Jafni and Dina) at that time I suddenly not close to them, it's weird the difference really happens.
It's hard my life experience now I'm turning 38 and nobody move to Sakinah for a kind of wish-granting me, she live on working as a banker and without me her life looks strong already, it's really sad how I'm unimportant to her like she didn't update me what she do on her weekends then I really want to read her journal or diary if she have any, it's really sad like I don't have anything to get her, there's no rich feelings to experience like using money to get her, it's just im a poor guy with feelings for her then wanting her as my wife. Then Shahridah and Wahdiah didn't appear to heal me up too, maybe my schizophrenia really won our relationship and Alysha won both of us, it's really sad I have to suffer alone, while they are strong alone, and kept getting stronger as they work getting to collect their salary every month for years, I'm left behind as a poor guy wanting love and missing them. I dreamt of Shahridah a lot during my schizophrenia that it feels like I haven't broken-up with her, it's really bad feeling something all alone by myself, they don't remind me stuff, maybe because if too much reminder can lead into a coma, but they didnt try to attract me again at all, it's really sad my life far away from my loved ones due to schizophrenia and Alysha ruined 2 relationships and 3 or 4 chances away from me, it's so sad my life experience.
I feel like playing metal slug 2 and stream on TikTok with request for a free counsellor, it's so boring my life, I hope Club Heal create a game corner for me to play games too, it's really bad my life if I have no one, and anhedonia really won me that it's been 1 year feeling dull most of the time with a fake happiness from fluoxetine, it's really a sad journey or path. I'm still excited that my age of recovery is close, then I have another 1 year of countdown to calculate to know my happiness that will happen within 38-39 years old of my life, I'm truly waiting for the happy moments or life-changing moments in my life, it's really an angry life path to go through as my schizophrenic neighbours haven't recover, I feel worried I will take more than 10 years like them too, I wonder what makes them late in recovery, during my schizophrenic days, I thought both of them going to become assistant nurse or nurse in I.M.H ward 35A, because my doctor employ them, they somehow will become a good health then Dina will also work at I.M.H as my vision during my schizophrenic days that I take medications.
I wonder when such thing will ever happen, will I apply for soldier job this year as it's too dull and boring my life experience? Will I get a police job as an admin to undercover as a gangster or druglord? Is it a delusion or something real? Will I be living my life already on the 19th June onwards? Will it be August or October that I will start studying for my O level?
Hmm..
Right now I am cooking white rice to eat with paru sambal goreng, the addiction is crazy like the best pleasure in life, it's like my 2nd sister's cooking, I thought I was made to eat liquor or beer mixture even, her cooking is so nice. I remember the days of my 2nd sister's ex-husband have a lot of cooking moments to taste different pleasures of food, then the moments gone as the ex-husband just marry another person and have Dina's half-siblings, the happy days really gone just like nothing. It's really weird.
My mother playing games for the first time is see something like this, it's really a pleasure to see like games can be part of family's lifestyle, but it could be just a temporary thing in life, maybe if I buy R36S then can play with my mother but she probably don't like playing games and I have anhedonia anyway, I wonder why it's like that.
It feels like a repeat of life experience, it's like this ever happened before last year, I really don't know but my family are treating me like a repeat activities every time, doing the same thing over and over again due to my memory loss, maybe it's a kind of recovery treatment I don't know. The funny thing is even animals do the same thing over and over again, a repeat experience by animals like lizards, that do things on repeat like I believed about "Suntricity" create an action of a soul the same during the amount of heat received to body, it's like that, I used to believe the word "Suntricity" created by me to describe a repeat occurrence in life experiences, like knowing what will happen "again" because the heat is the same. It's really believable like a memory impact or dejavu, I really don't know why it's like that too.
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