I thought I would quit smoking by the time Pokemon shop opens, but then I still can't and miss the early morning cigarettes moment, I really tried my best and it's always the same craving to continue, I don't know but it seems like smokers don't help me at all and maybe wanting me to quit cigarette again/too, the cause of no help simply like that as reason.
I'm thinking how to get a job, I can only think like instant jobs then I deleted all jobs applications due to anger of not getting a good job, I really can't do anything about it, I remembered about me working ntuc fairprice restocker then I quit in just 2 hours, it's really bad my life experience, I can't even do a proper job, even with high scores in N level I did not score well in the end because of Alysha, then I gave up just like that. I just have to endure until 29th June hoping the medication cured me by then, it's really a long life journey to think about, it's really scary seeing how long my neighbours been taking medicine(more than 10 years) and still haven't recover, reminds me of myself I kept skipping medicine it makes like I save more money because of skipping medicine, just that I won't be cured.
43 years old will be the real expected recovery date I think, or else I maybe will be like my neighbours it looks like entire lifetime on medication, I wonder why it's not 5 years for them, I really need to see a cured schizophrenic to feel happy that I will recover too.
Hearing voices became a normal thing for me, I kept hearing at fan, wind blows, shouts of kids becoming the sentences that I hear instead like my name being shouted, I will assume it's hearing voices and don't turn/check most of the time when I heard my name. It's really weird the schizophrenia, they don't supply me friends to talk too, and let me either be working or staying at home on medications. If June I won't work, what am I going to do? If July I still don't work? Where will I get the $5K savings energy then? I remember that's what doctor said, 1 reason I believed doctor is because he said the Supreme Leader of Iran will die on U.S/Israel's 2nd attack then he really died.
At that time I thought it's going to be world war, like Russia will be attacked by U.S due to too much commenting on Donald Trump, then it didn't happen, the peace deal looks going to happen, if it's not going to war I have no reason to connect with Sakinah and our life remains the same, world war supposed to be chaotic, then she's going to be busy working(but luckily time spent on jobs) instead, I really can't have a reason to talk to Sakinah.
I was thinking why I love her and it felt like the reality is different, I wonder why my vision is like this "and it is reality" of me living my life, it's shocking/surprising how I'm turning 38 years old without $10K because due to mouth of Alysha I thought I would be rich and be surviving my entire life with government's money after getting huge sum, Alysha is such a bitch in my eyes, she's a criminal that haven't repent and law judge me as a smoker to not help me get money from her maybe, it's impossible my kind of writing doesn't attract attention of any law people, this is bad for me. No one going to help me get Dina to live a happier richer life, they all living their life like that forgetting Alysha's doing, I wonder when my parents will sue her, it's just taking so long time. Why she haven't break up with her boyfriend too? It's really bad my life experience and I have to go through getting nothing and experience poor life after so much pain? Its double pain for a long duration.
I think nobody takes me seriously and feel like helping me anyway, everyone living their own life and probably redirected into blaming me instead, schizophrenia is the reason for my bad feelings and experience but nobody help to increase pleasure in my life except my brother's $1000. It's really crazy my life.
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