My friends don't pity how I have schizophrenia and I have to wait for birthday to see the truth about it, I really don't know what to do, I'm so lonely and everyday just living my life the same, anhedonia really killed my plan to play games everyday, I play not much more like testing the games instead, it's too much waiting this life I have, I wonder why it's so heavy I really want to have someone to accompany me, then I feel like buying R36S for my brother or nephew but my nephew is PSLE this year, it's really hard, I still believe he can pass even if he fail, because I used to fail a lot during primary school then suddenly I'm still express stream, I really think he can do well in exam.
Din, Sadiq or Razli no longer in my life, I have no one to ask along to play handheld consoles with me, it's so boring my life, I would tell them I have anhedonia then they maybe feel awkward after that, like I feel bad while they can enjoy, they definitely don't feel like playing games afterwards. We're all so old already then I still living my life without anyone, theyre updated maybe by doctors then I'm not updated anything about them, I wonder why they just rely on doctors' answers instead of trying to contact me, maybe they gave up about my schizophrenia winning my belief then I would get heartache most of the time, maybe Alysha just got lucky that all men's whisper voice can be created like all the same voice, I'm so unlucky I know Alysha in my life, I hope someone reverse something in my life and give me the moments I wouldve been able to experience if she don't exist, I'm deeply saddened by my loss of pleasures in life.
The sambal goreng paru really still addictive to me, I somehow control myself from eating too much about the food "makanan Dari syurga", it's really like a reality, I feel like my family should make a food business because of this, then my nenek can get her ayam masak merah for sale, it would definitely be nice.
I feel like I should learn cooking from them both, then make my nenek Tampines version of goreng pisang, then cook and sell at Club Heal, maybe if they give me such thing to do, I really want to earn but it's bad like earning from mentally sick people who also needs money, but pleasure is the point in living our life of having mental sickness anyway, I really don't understand why people can be so lokek, when I calculate $4.30/$4.20 for storm king every 2 days, it's less than $100 for 1 month, then it's maybe like 1 day of their salary yet they let me survive on government's money, my reason to try quitting is hard but it's to have Club Heal counsellor to help me, I don't know why they need this stop smoking kind of rule, it's really bad if I imagine "1 week then help", I really want a faster help even during duration of waiting or expecting help from Club Heal. Maybe Club Heal should recommend me other groups that exist that I can go to first? I really don't know, it's just too tough my life, but the point is it's luckily Club Heal's ruling not the psycho of my bnss counsellor to Club Heal's counsellor. I just still need to endure everyday knowing nothing would change for 1 week at least, expecting a help like money flow but it's still definitely becoming "more than 1 week later". In 5 days is my birthday, then I still have to watch if I will have any friends appearing to make me feel the end of pain due to it being my recovery age, it's really sad enduring this.
I really can't think properly like who would buy drugs if already too poor, it makes like wanting drugs more as already too poor or having nothing for a long time at the same time, then where to buy drugs from? I'm so dead meat like no one help my mind at ease, I probably just need a laptop and like composition or essay level of writing daily to become "1 post per day" kind of life, my life become feeling better if I write more then if too much became to wonder who reads me then if my friends they can't appear due to Alysha's lies, may repeat into my mind, then they didn't try harder too, as maybe it will save their money without me, it's sad but I probably won't ask them for money anyway, I wonder why it's like this, friends are the only people that know difficulties of life if have no money, but then my family don't have such friends thats difficult in life to feel like helping me instead? It's really weird and harsh. I feel like I'm in trouble with their type of care been extended until I'm reaching 38 years old, I'm probably dead meat by 38 years old, only government's money to wait for.
Don't know what to do in life, they are serious on their method of caring me, there's no change and it makes me feel like I will suffer, my vision is only deadmeat kind of life for a long time if no counsellor helps, but then it looks true and real, like counsellor are my parents' decision instead, I feel no help at all even if they will claim they know I will quit smoking or attempt to quit smoking, they didn't try to help me even if it's a good try to quit smoking? I really don't understand it only reminds me of bnss counsellor, if have a cock like wanting me to suck her cock then help me out. She didn't help me anything at all, I'm so bad luck meeting a useless counsellor, but still I'm lucky I complete N level in BMC, she didn't remind me of my studies too, it's just too bad for me finding someone that sound helpful or like someone that can give me hope in life, then in the end useless shit as "back to parents' decision" all over again.
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