No friends (part 2)

Think I feel relieved like got to explain and describe the pain I'm feeling, it's maybe like Dina shouldn't be scolded when she was a baby after being bullied by Alysha even if they don't know she was bullied. I'm sad and disappointed how the rules of counsellor have criteria to stop smoking first when their advertisement didn't tell that, it's really harsh my life, I just feel ignored just like that. Maybe I will message club heal again next month, as I will be still outside of ward as I take medication daily(lucky me), it's so hard to take medication to accept own self as mentally weak or schizophrenic, then to believe old bnss counsellor is like bad because maybe she find me stupid, I didn't score well in bnss, only in B.M.C, maybe she didn't care at all because she thinks I'm stupid.

It's hard but it's been almost 1 year I accepted that I have hearing voices kind of problems in my life, I realize it continues for so long even if I'm on medication, it's really heavy my struggle, I wonder why no examples at Club Heal of those that have been cured from schizophrenia, i definitely want to be the first then, if I get to join Club Heal, if somehow they became nicer to me, if secretly would be better, my life is like requiring a rescue or s.o.s due to the worries and always hearing voices of Alysha commanding me to work and solat, then it's painful already to hear of it more is bad, then the one that gives me money before(my brother) will talk of jobs, I became having no one to talk to, I definitely start to distant away as I start to not believe again that someone in the family cares. My 1st sister too occupied in life already and she usually commanding type of person, definitely she won't help me about money.

I send my empty room to be seen at TikTok then nobody cares it's like nothing kind of life, people don't help me get a life at all, it's like people want to suggest me when to start studying instead of letting me study O level faster, then I became like this, it also means I hate my bnss counsellor for thinking I'm stupid as fact(that's what I think though), maybe she just finish me off easily as lazy to negotiate my parents to get me a laptop, if in the past I would have maybe more chances to get a girl instead of being single if got a laptop, if I am a richer life I would have gotten more girls to try my chance for a good relationship, then I'm left poor and just having the ones that's story of doctor in the past. I'm so bad luck my bnss counsellor is useless like Alysha, a version of care that suddenly commit to a parents' wish, maybe the only way to still look good "in her work", as if she done her job as she didn't negotiate a nicer life for me, I continued my life living in harshness for so many years with schizophrenia and pain in my life.

I hope to get more counsellors that 1 day someone will understand my version of story, it's useless my life I am turning 38 years old so late already in life then still need to write things to try reach out to someone to help me, it's really bad and cruel or flaw of people that "cares" about me, I really have no one. Doctor made me believe truly that "people of Dajjal" will appear to help me 1 day as the first person, it's really harsh, I need help or support first at least but nobody siding me in life, in fact I have no one to let out to, it's crazy a man expressing all this, then in the past Alysha created me to believe everyone are Jews/Japan/Egypt and they commanding me things, it's like creating me gay or shock like a man need to wear a skirt due to pain, like matter of manliness can be gone due to too much shocking pain. I just will countdown like 1 week if any help happens to me, then July 1st I will try email Club Heal again, or I don't know if will happen sooner too because I'm a kind of guy that usually do things faster than I should, so my plan if it's important I would just email anyway, I hope more people support me instead of not helping me then don't support also. It's really bad this suffering.