Day 306 out of ward(354 on medications)

Having my usual day taking medications, then I go down to buy redbull and 1 roll of 2 paper length cigarette. It was a fast day I felt better after some puff, I really sad how I'm a smoker sometimes it's really a tough life experience being like this, I don't want to be a stupid person at the same time, I hope counsellor just help me anyway even if I still smoke(if I don't successfully quit) because I want a good date to start studying early for my O levels next year.

The Pokemon biz don't look like too many kids, it's his own children making the place like have a lot of kids, means he have a lot of children lol. I wonder when people will hang around to play retro games, it's really bad my life experience waiting for something then anhedonia really killed my happiness, I'm so dead from the bad feelings and I really just need to enjoy myself somehow.

I saw on Thread that Dina is searching for a job, it would be nice if Alysha paid her back the money for the bullying she done to Dina when Dina was a toddler, I really hate how someone live their life normally when the person they owe living a difficult life of searching for money.

I just have 11 more days to be on medications for 1 year and 3 more days to be my birthday, tomorrow is Shahridah's birthday, she's finally 33 years old. I think birthday wish to just write tomorrow.

I kept thinking why my writings always the same like Zoe Lim always telling that she hate her parents and she's obsessed(in love) with a person, it feels like schizophrenia is like a bipolar disorder always repeating the same story for so many months or days, it's really crazy that people let us live like this.

I remembered last year I bought for my mother cashbox then I relapsed and throw it away saying that she's evil so cannot buy for me stuff. Alysha is the one that created my thinking like that and I threw the cashbox away then gave her back her money. I thought she's Japanese pretending as Malay or a Jew pretending as Muslim, as I'm reminded of world war days in Singapore I thought it's still World War. I thought people cycle in car as engine and people all knew the MRT is all cycled by people instead of an engine like have a compartment to take the cycling part out when I don't look. I feel special how I don't need to cycle when riding the MRT. Schizophrenia really makes reality a different view and story and will seem like a liar or just someone crazy, I wonder why so many years yet my parents dont fear if I go to work and mess my myself at work, they are anticipated to demand me to work and solat which makes me bingit/angry in my mind/heart then causes imbalance and writing something on repeat many times.

Anyway the Pokemon biz at shop of my place opens at 12p.m everyday except weekends at 10.30a.m, it's really a happy feeling that something new at shop and people visiting for a different reason then seeing the shop having more business, it looks cool like I feel success in many of my living areas and happy for it if they are successful.

I wonder when elevator will open as I peek and it looks completed. I just want a different feelings of life then I want it to happen sooner.

That's all my writing for today like a special moment because tomorrow is Shahridah's birthday, I hope she still remembers me.