5 more days I'm 38 years old!

Even if there's no gift like any other year, this year is something special, it is my recovery age, the age I will be cured from schizophrenia, I'm excited of the end, I still hear voices at fan(now using another fan at sofa as the usual one kept switching off and need to switch on many times) then it's not really the end, in schizophrenia voices are something normal but usually schizophrenic deny of hearing voices as to avoid being looked at as a crazy person, we feel bad like don't like our diagnosis and how people usually will ask "what the voices say"? It's really boring and a lot then we can't do anything about it.

Right now the Pokemon Shop downstairs is being organized and there's nobody waiting at there, I hope the place will become more people and see someone play handheld games at there while waiting about Pokemon stuff, I think today is a special day as last year it didn't open, then it's going to be a happy day of the year, everyday the atmosphere at area will change from today onwards. It's going to be a different feeling, and something new in life.

I don't know but I don't feel like a collector's attitude yet, as my plan is to just buy for my future children to have Pokemon cards by the time they are bigger, I plan to collect all 151 species card or any special card that will appear. In future maybe to biz 151 cards all the way even.

It will be a fun collection if I will do it, but I have to be working full time first then I can do it, it's really tough life but I can't be spending on something like this yet, this year this month is something different like getting closer to the year that I will take O level, then suddenly my life will change. I wonder why quotes say to learn to be bored all the time, it's just painful feeling most of the time, it's just too boring and dull feelings.

Today is Sunday 14th June, really counting down to my happiest age hoping I would get a big sum of money from my parents, but even if it's like a fat hope thing, I hope doctor is true that it will be my happiest age. I really want the poor feelings to end and I no longer feel like I can get Sakinah if I need to effort more instead of she giving me a chance and just appear in my life, she's bad in decision I guess then I'm just bad luck in life. Maybe my love story is meant to be corrupted, ruined and spoiled like she will touch other men already, etc. it's really bad my imagination it can be a lot of scare to feel, then it's an angry feeling if I can't explain or describe it correctly, I think I'm going insane thinking of Sakinah, hoping if she die then nobody will touch her anyway, maybe this feeling will exist 1 day. I think I've become psycho in love as nobody talks about her they let my heart drag into feelings a lot of misses, worry, lovesick, pain, then it means they dont really care and just like entertainment of my perangai even if they are my relatives, they just want to see what I will become to have an entertaining story to tell people I think. It's really sad how my family and relative did not effort anything and I will lose the girl I love just like that.

Some bad things may still happen without anyone's knowledge and it's their fault for not putting in enough effort, they have let me grown until 38 years old for example for their selfish wish of wanting me to take medicines first, then if I don't take medicine until 45 years old, it means they won't help get any girl until 45 years old. I'm sad, disappointed and feel in pain but there's no counsellors that will help me, they let me grow until 38 years old too, the age I feel already too late because it's 2 years to 40.

There's nothing special to buy at Pokemon shop downstairs as the seller organizing the items, I wanted to feel like a lot of difference like many people gather and start playing retro games with me instead, then there's no gathering and it's boring if it's only small kids appearing there.

Life's really the same after all. I want a new energy of life and I don't have it at all.