This year there's no conversation about next year then I imagine maybe year 2029 like that then I will start biz of Anbernic R36S creating a lot of players to play together outside. It's just a life thing to do then I remembered about ROG Ally X etc. I think doctor just messing with my mind about me getting 1 from gift of people, actually laptop would've made me happy too so I can be using computer like my brother in his room, it's a boring life experience daily then now its 12.19p.m just waiting for the next day to be closer to my 19th June and 29th June. My birthday in 6 days and I am made wondering what would make me happy, nobody tells me any news of like gifting me anything, I just live life thinking of whatever that was ever said.
I really hope I can live back my life like creating websites etc. it's just too boring my life, I can only remember what I am good at and it is computers, naturally that is. It's sad being a hacker but not earning in life, like the stories of hacker earning big salary for government like not true at all, I really can't do anything like there's no other jobs for me I'm made to wait for life to be on a certain date to feel achievement of only taking medications daily and feeling myself out of ward.
I think there will be a try to get counsellor a different way, as I want my life normal and not a bad life experience, maybe Club Heal is also not caring like my bnss counsellor, even a help that may accident in making me buy cigarettes, they don't risk it, because my main motive would be wanting a laptop for my own self and a medicine that cures anhedonia. I think it's a lot of anger like making me insane, but people just assume and consider cigarette as the main reason of pain that I experience pain in life.
I remember I was fine with the way my 2nd sister's ex-husband treated me but I remember about the computer bills being so high, that I want a job to be able to pay her ex-husband back on wasting the bills. I feel bad like crazy that their life became high bills that I thought im the main reason of their divorce, whatever it is I will still think of a way to pay back his bills. I've been difficult to work ever since that day, but my family don't consider it as schizophrenia but like laziness and attitude problem instead, I always vision myself as someone poor for a long time then it really happened until I'm reaching 38 years old.
I told on my family Whatsapp that doctor said my happiest age will be 38, then it's soon, but none of them telling me of giving me any money that's more than $5K(I definitely would buy a laptop), means Hisyammuddin is luckier than me in the way his family care for him because he was given $10K during his schizophrenic moments, 6 months already got something then 1 year he got something again. Then he became independent. I'm so unlucky my family treat me like I will become childish and I feel that mental problem are from them other than cigarette that makes me wanting to have more money in life to survive the years. I just need to have enough money to complete this year because next year I will get money for school that I plan to save up like "kids days" I didn't get to do it, then my family don't mind I loss my happiness like that from business failure as 1 reason because my friend wanted to take all the profit. It's really bad my life experience earning nothing in life in the end.
I think Ive been made to become ambitious of having a lot of money at 38 years old(until the month before 39 years old), then having another 1 year to wait for my happiness instead, doctors maybe secretly bad to me like didn't provide a counsellor to help my life and it all have to be my own initiative. A schizophrenic mentally sick but not having a counsellor to deal with life for me, in definitely dead meat for another 1 year. Spending time with R would become the best feeling somehow, or spending time with Epul, it's really like a crazy feelings of happiness gone and I just want to live life and they're the only ones that can make me live my life back somehow - the way the promises that was said by them makes me happy but unsure because it's so many years ahead to go, then I maybe becoming like my old life as counsellor don't help and I want to enjoy myself outside. It's weird too they don't promote me to rest at home due to schizophrenia like I have a mental problem already, they still are anticipated to demand me to go to work. I definitely feels like I'm dead with this level of care just struggling, enduring and surviving my life then anhedonia is the only thing that will lead my thinking or mind back into wanting suicide. Somehow it's like doctor have been confirming that I won't be committing suicide somewhere, it's just a feeling that maybe will happen if I don't take my medicine or take too much of it. My life is too bad - another phase of 1 year to countdown "for it to become better", then 6 months to endure the changes as maybe I will be enrolled for O level, then 6 months nobody siding me anything like making me have a life, they just let me live my life thinking why nobody cares about me.
Playful kind of numbers of readers also made me lazy to blog, as it doesn't impact to reach my family(in a way that I will be supported in cigarettes as well), then I'm just dead meat if only non-smokers are the ones reading. Just $4.30/2 days is so hard for them like asking for $200K, it's really sad my life experience that living in a rich house doesn't equivalent a happy lifestyle, because still struggle in life. Life's boring that only the end of June I will discover who cares about me I think(or during my birthday).
They all seem locked from talking of money, I imagine doctors telling them not to give me money as fact, it's really bad I have smokers in my family or ever-smokers but they do not support me and let me remain a needy feeling and heart, I feel poor like a beggar seeking attention for $0.10, they made me feel insane and useless "unless 1 of their goal is my path", like studying next year. I feel disappointed how they don't reward me anything during my N level high scoring days, I feel like nobody pushed me to study hard as fact, it's been by my own mind and by myself. They should be left alone 1 day when I'm healthy and stronger, then I will never visit my parents again 1 day due to this bad care if I don't commit suicide been made confirmed by doctor, so they can keep doing this to me. They don't care that I may grow or become insane and crazy and I think counsellor is not a good standard too as it's free like bnss counsellor was free counselling. It's sad my stupid life I will never have a fun healing journey.
No comments:
Post a Comment