Tak tahu hidup hari-hari sama tak bermakna, sakit schizophrenia tanpa orang kasihan condition diri kita.
Don't know why others are fine with the way I live maybe the other schizophrenic neighbours have nothing to complain in life, then I'm probably the same treatment like girls, girls usually don't spend so much in life but my parents probably treating me like a girl, I'm sad at my life's normal living made to be difficult most of the time, nobody cares it's always the same and boring life daily. Anhedonia killed the pleasure and I feel bingit most of the time, the anger from writing in Malay makes me more bingit as it's funny during a serious moment. I think it will be another countdown of 1 year on medications to see what will change in my life.
I don't feel pleasure like a fun happiness due to paliperidone I think, then nobody cares about it, it's really weird and sad my life people let me anhedonia everyday for almost 1 year, even if many have suicide from schizophrenia could be because of anhedonia, rasa diri macam orang cacat takde orang tolong.
Their strictness about cigarette makes a person childish creating more anger in heart as it reminds of past life that doesn't create happiness, it's a lot of life moments loss but don't know why my parents let "friends" giving money kind of story to happen instead of them giving money. I don't know what to do everyday at sofa and I have no children even at this age, which is stupid kind of life as have nobody to care, being old and useless is the image my family created on me by them. Anywhere will maybe become boring when go out then I have nowhere to go already, staying at home is a lot of anger if hear voices of Alysha dont know why it live so long. Forever their treatment expected to be this way then I probably will masturbate imagining Wahdiah's sister due to anger but no one cares, or Shahridah's cousin, I think the dead meat life is going to happen anyway because as lovers they don't reach and support, any invisible way of helping doesn't comfort the heart that "someone is helping", means I receive no help from the 2 of them at all. They let me suffer my schizophrenia alone.
Crazy life the end of relationship because of "too long" more than 15 years being apart, without knowledge whether I have done so or not, they are definitely clueless while R feeling I will get them/Sakinah 1 day. It's really weird belief, believing doesn't help because doesn't confirm anything and Sakinah ever tunang with Iman anyway, my life on repeats then Sakinah just doing her boring life daily at work instead. Don't know what someone like her earning money for but it's still better than she spending time with other men.
I think 1 day in the end I will masturbate thinking of sex with Sakinah's mother then it means I will imagine sex with 2 females from the same family then ruining my future if none of them believe me I have done it(if I do it), then I will ask questions like "who will enter heaven/hell" while they have believed memorizing Asma-ul-Husna makes me enter heaven, then it means I won't meet either Sakinah or her mother anyway in Heaven, it doesn't matter like the story of Grandfather raping his own grandchild, definitely both won't enter Heaven by common sense.
I hope Sakinah treat me seriously as I think I will become insane anyway 1 day like I have ever attempted suicide and doctor give me a medicine starts with letter "c" to create the loss of feelings of commiting suicide, it means I will do something like what I have said instead of threatening I will do it without warning just to feel the end of love story chances with her. It's like if Sakinah married I will do it, then she hid her profile making me not know if she's married or not to do it. I can still wait for Sakinah's niece to become 16 years old to do something like that at the same time, so I'm not a paedophile. It's easy to not see people in heaven than it's hard to enter heaven. I think I will just do it anyway around 41 years old.
I will block doctor's truth of "I will be marrying 4 girls" by masturbating to their cousin/mother/sister, or just marry them and have a child, like dajjal. I think Dajjal people should appear to help me and offer me help but they don't appear, I remember doctor saying 1 day Dajjal people will be the first to appear to help me it means all of my friends/families won't help me at all. The only help I will feel from is from the people of Dajjal because they know what I want and need. This causes no one to help me and only have to rely or believe of birthday presents. Means the appearance of Imam Mahdi is near anyway and what's funny doctor ever said I will be right hand of Imam Mahdi then my attitude or character is like this, I wonder if I will block more truth of doctors. It's easy to block just by having child with any of them since nobody cares I'm a lonely life. I can even try to have a child with a prostitute then ruin my family's perfection as they decided to be not perfect as something perfect and okay, 1 day I will think hard and I think it's going to be 38 years old onwards I will plan of ending my life if 39 years old I'm still not happiest at 38 years old, it's okay to be crazy I have memorized Asma-ul-Husna remembering all names of Allah.
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