I can't scare them when they're not around, but it made me proud of having such intelligence to be strong like Dajjal it means I will be a good manpower to Imam Mahdi, I really wonder what Law thinks of believers of Islam that want to work for Imam Mahdi, why they don't make it clear like telling Islam to just wait for Imam Mahdi then the world will be more peaceful?
Nowadays the terrorism is not clear in the world like only war stories is Israel and Hezbollah, it's really cool as it's more peaceful, but what's weird is theres no viral about criminal mind like gays named as "Muhammad" to change their names, people should protest that they change their names and it should become viral like making their image bad, but it didn't work like that in the media, they are so lucky about it.
I'm thinking what to do in life, I know I should be completing games on my handheld console but I haven't done it, I just want to see what the stages looked like and just to experience them in life at least once because I have missed gaming kind of life for over 10 years. I hope someone accompany me with their handheld to play Netplay and RetroArch with me, I then hope Alan Wong contact me again for his Steam powered so he can play handheld with me outside 1 day, it's just too boring my life I just want to have a life then I lose people because of schizophrenia, then doctor didn't help me get them back, I thought he gave me the account so I changed password and email then it became like this instead, it's really sad my life really gaining nothing like losing someone to play games together with me instead, I have no one already in my life.
I remember about doctor saying maybe I will buy a Pokemon Mew nametag for $10 to display at my bag, then I really don't know if it will happen, it's really just why I'm like a kid when I'm turning 38 years old already, I don't believe people are so heartless to let me live on like this and they don't get me the girl that I love or want, I really feel like just getting a random girl and make babies. I just want my Old Town White Coffee with a good book every morning to read everyday instead of every weekend, I want such life like a soldier retiring and an educated man resting already as have earned a lot in life to retire. Retiring age is 60+ then I'm still struggling to earn a lot when people like me have been working ever since N.S days and earning a lot, I suffer instead and became a poor man, it's sad how people just don't support or guide me in life, the only guide I receive is to stop smoking, but then if it's like that when will I receive a guide to start studying early for my O levels? I really need someone to help me feel the energy together but there's no one, people really don't mind if I fail because I'm schizophrenic, I think I will get a normal pass instead of high scores, it's really sad nobody siding me to have a nicer life for me to feel. I experience as a poor man heartlessly even at this age, people are just being normal to me like not asking me if I hear voices, they let me live life hearing voices and struggle to work and earn money, then I anticipate them asking me to work and solat, it's really sad I'm so useless.
I wrote in HOPES again hoping that doctors or counsellors in I.M.H would give me a free help or counselling about my anhedonia and study-plans, I really have no one, it will definitely lead to become suicidal if I don't recover at 38 or 29th June, my only life vision is planning a suicide that date onwards, I already felt like life as not a reality that I'm 38 years old then "nobody cares", people really treated me like they don't care instead that I'm old and let me not having the girl that I love. They are heartless.
I'm so dead meat it's so hard to explain what they're doing to me, it's just a lot of anger sometimes then I can't do anything because the sadness are not like real feelings, then I end up writing anyway, fluoxetine really decreases sadness anyway. Anhedonia suffering not pitied by anyone to give me more pleasures in life, they just let me live on with nothing or the same experience that I become like someone independent instead. I hope people do initiative like getting me money from support groups like MSF etc. but nobody write to them for me to receive a free counsellor even, I'm dead meat my life people feeling my life as fine and okay when I'm suffering most of the time.
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