Feeling abit light

It's like I will really get money today, I hope my aunt remembers hahaha, I think she promised last year that I will get money in the 6th month, 2 Aunts I think, but then I remember she understands the panic I'm in because of shortage of cash looks like will finish before February because of eating prata cheese egg especially costing $3, I really don't know if true or not too.

It feels a bit light when I remembered this, I really don't know if it's true is the point because it seems true, like I'm lucky to be saved by my aunt. It could be that I'm at false memory like when I remember Jafni as a girl instead then a baby girl I called as Jafni? Then I thought I saved the baby girl from Changi Abandoned Structure(Old Changi Hospital). Schizophrenia is false memory, but I take medications can't be a false memory, maybe if my aunt remembers I'm luckier, I really will feel bad about asking for money.

Today the hotness came about with crave of cig. as a lot as the medicine is finishing tomorrow, it's like really a bad situation and crisis, cig. definitely important to cool my body down. I really have smoked 9 cigs. today when actually I thought $13.90 cigs. are 3 days. I bought this at other shop for $14 instead. It's really bad I really need a support like a calculated quitting method even, by doctors as they can confirm such thing while I can't.

It's hard I really feel light when thinking of my aunt will be giving me support, then I just have to hope and pray life gets lighter from the panic. It's harsh if I think of taking money from my aunt I will feel bad because they work hard for money, I definitely want to think of something 1 day. I don't know how my brother cope being able to smoke continuously for so many years, his life is really lucky he don't have schizophrenia so can work, while I can't, I feel like always in need of support, I take medications now and if O.T decides my life maybe I'm better and okay about this. Will it happen like story of doctor about my aunt, because today I wear Profector Pants, the brand is Profector, it matches the story of she will be calling me down to go shop to buy cig. for me. Usually people will say "takde duit jangan hisap rokok" but I wonder if it's true, it's really hard for a smoker to cope without cig., I think my parents pretend not knowing I smoke because doctor say to not talk about it if want me to quit smoking I think, I really hope doctors support me but nobody messaging me to comfort me.

I remembered about Hisyammuddin he was supported when in need of cash in the past, so lucky, then I feel like it's the same for me, I will experience the same like him maybe, aunt will give money I think?

I feel I became worse like I usually won't write about money, but then I have to because of the stresses hoping someone tells my family I need money.