Want normal life..

Life is too boring, everyday is nothing, I want to be a successful working man but there's no nice jobs for me. I gave up and decide to wait for jobclub hopefully it feels fine and easy, I really don't want to suffer backpain, and it's really early in the morning at 8.30a.m. Situation during it is said like I may be called up by Popeyes during the jobclub so maybe it's not even 1 month of doing cleaning-training. I don't know if it's really going to happen because February is bulan puasa, will I be working 3hrs per day for 2 times a week during puasa or Popeyes? Maybe it's lighter and get to do jobclub's work instead as to help me in bulan puasa? If I remember correctly, doctor said I will puasa full 1 month this coming Ramadan and I hope it's true too and I have the energy for it, I definitely won't go visit hari raya because my life became like this again, I really don't know how to feel normal around my relative. I'm happy if I became a normal person that puasa again and feeling the Ramadan, if not I would maybe be staying at home alone as not going for Hari Raya.

It's weird my mind like this, like not guilty to my family members and relatives like don't need to ask for forgiveness at all.

It's definitely exciting if I get to do it properly this time, I have not been doing proper Ramadan for so long due to schizophrenia, it's been since N.S days, so long I don't feel life of a true Muslim.

I don't know why in my memories like Bik Minah and Bik Isah like giving me money for 6 months celebration of taking medications, then it's been 6 months and still the same, I guess it's a dream that is stuck in my memory/mind mistaken as not, it's weird if they give me money at 1 year it's like a bad waiting too, then why doctors have memory that they will be giving me $50 each person becoming $500 and Anbernic RG477V during my cleaning-training? If true then which day is it? Why do I have this as my memory? On 29th December doctor didn't tell me if will support me he just maintaining as a doctor's way of talking to a patient(me).

I really became calculating myself to have a lot of money until imagining I can save $1000 emergency money next year, or even my life can be normal like saving $5000 for next year, my memories gave me imagination of money that's bad if I am actually living poor as fact, why is it like this?

It's bad of working at Popeyes late that $6/hr allowance in February happens due to bulan puasa, then I really want to be normal life at least first working at Popeyes by January but then the job procedure is like that, how come they don't need people when I feel I can skip jobclub and get a proper job right away? It will suck if work $18/day for free for 1 month at 2 times a week. Why it's called a free-training instead?

It's boring my life I don't have a computer except my brother then it's a normal laptop using a big screen, the life to not be feeling so advanced is on purpose by my family, it's a hard life for no reason, there's definitely no cure for schizophrenia that they plan to save money for it, it's still taking medications normally anyway?

Why the doctors don't pity me how I have no money most of the time or how I crave for cigs., they really decided not to support me because nothing was told on 29th December?

My head really feels shaky, I've finish my last cig. just now, then "to decide not to smoke already for now" because of saving money then my health from cig. it definitely exist if not I don't feel stable from it? I think everyone decided to let it settle this way in difficulty of life. Then I keep hearing what I write first sometimes will become angry of the small girl again for talking too much 1 time that she maybe have forgotten about it. My life's luck is really suay. I didn't even get presents for my N level success, it's so bad luck in life to not be getting anything after reaching into a high standard person by scores. Then I'm 37 now, 6 mths to become 38, why will I only be happy at 38 years old why can't it be now?

Why doctor as psychic let me experience this pain in life?