Morning surprise

I woke up close to 8a.m immediately taking my pills and bath, then go out to shop as I want to buy cig. the price of cig. have increased to $14.50 then I imagine $145 for 1 month if it will last for 3 days, I really hope I can do it. Just now a stick really calms me down from the vibration inside my body and I only smoke 1 stick to be saver of cig., it's usually 2 sticks after buying 1 box of cig. It's really harsh my life have to be like this, then 12 February is the talk about budget then don't know which day is the G.S.T or Assurance Package. I really need support in life then it only have to become harder like making myself last 1 box for more than 3 days then maybe I can be luckier in life about money.

Today is Day 139 of medications outside ward then +48 = total of 187 days on medications. Just 5 more days then I'm going to be my first day at jobclub then doctor not really telling me what's going to happen, am I going to finish jobclub probation period or actually Popeyes will call me up early, I really don't know, the difficulty just meant to happen to me.

I'm using Simba data 171mb/400gb still have no friends to keep in touch with to go out and take photos. As January is becoming closer I became happier if my life really going to take Car License or not, I really hope my suffering of pain really ends and I can become normal living like others.

Just now in elevator I said (S)'s name accidentally like the past, it still happens when I'm alone, then it just means I love her still. When I was with (W) and (A) was the only time I kept saying their name when we were together, it's really hard to forget (S) I really don't know why God makes it like that my feelings.

Just now I imagine 1 day as 1 stick so it can become 20 days 1 stick really funny that it's so difficult to do, life thinking of money is hard then it have to be like this.

The calmness created from cig. is because it off the vibration of heat inside my body and calms me down.

I really don't know what to do in life it have to become thinking of cig. a lot. I worry of the vibrations in my body especially my head, it's like micro earthquake and maybe due to the spike. Cig. allows me to verify if I have the spike still by the feelings of nicer vibration when I smoke from inside my body, there's a pleasure then cig. hopefully not mistaken as drugs by those that hate cig. if not Law would have banned cig. long time ago.

I really hope "Mood Support Pills" helps me somehow about cig., my anhedonia still exist despite eating this I'm really sad about it.

Tomorrow will be my first day reading Iqra for I don't know how long per day, to try memorize it hopefully in 6 months, but I feel like I can do it in 1 month, it's weird I hope I'm successful about it. If I remember correctly Wali Allah said I will know how to read Arabic by 38-39 years old, maybe it's really the cause of happiness I will feel at that age.

It's hard I have imagined actually no one telling my family of my difficulty and I have to tell myself when I'm going to be out of cash, but I don't know when is it. It's because my blog viewers decreased and became back to normal like 7 and 9 viewers, I remember it ever become 30 per post then I thought someone really talking to my family, then again I thought my family pretending not knowing for some reason.

I feel like I will smoke back the Marlboro Crafted(Purple) because it was $13 then I don't know it have increased into how much but I know it's the cheapest cig. still, I really have to survive life without support it is weird I have to be craving for cig. then nobody supports me to help me quit but rather let me suffer for having no cig. and gain +1 type of pain in my body after I have multiple pain from schizophrenia, anhedonia and catatonia.