I imagine (S) hard at work daily and being a good person definitely hard if she would support me anything, her achievement in her life been from her own effort, she's so lucky to have health in life. I just imagine my life if with her, her money would always become in our mind instead, I feel it as okay then as not with her, money is troublemaker or a conflict-maker it's definitely hard then if just prioritizing of she becoming with me because I love her, still her money becomes in our mind because she knows my difficulty, it wouldn't be peaceful and I would feel bad many times, but why can't we try not thinking about money and just be together anyway? She maybe thinking of her money becomes in my mind, I'm definitely a bad lover if spend her money.
Jobclub is really in 5 days, the ending of something in my life like "nothing to do daily" becoming different, like schedules of "work", then having to bear 1 month of free training is said as like that, that we won't get allowance or salary, it's harsh but have to believe it's good because doctors are psychics. I wonder what I would be cleaning then, why a cleaning require training too? Said as "it's for the stamina", I really believe my O.T said as the best O.T in I.M.H by doctor last year I think. I plan to wear my cheapest half-sleeve t-shirt for the cleaning-job. I really don't know what to do anymore as maybe the readers are not my family members like I assumed, making me think they don't know anything, it's hard like that if they don't know.
I remember about my past that's also like a dream, since I have many "bapak angkat", 1 of them plan to buy me House in Forest City and a Car when I have license, I'm really happy about it, I really feel like understanding it's special to know me since baby and they're the nice bunch of people while I maybe will have people that are bad but regard me as their friend, I've been alone for too long in my life. I really don't know if it's true but it's fun when I hear like that, I imagine knowing a person since baby that's not my family, then I feel I will treat them special too when I see them again. Just my memory can't remember which is the real person but I can guess around anyway.
It's like in my memory I ever cared for 3 babies and 2 at one time, then 1 at another time, then they became close to me and calling me as "Uncle Anas", I really feel they are cute and special like how people treat me like a son, I understand the same like having 3 other nieces in my life that I don't keep in touch but doctors will remind me of them 1 day I think. They're really nice to me and I love them too. It's weird during my schizophrenic moment I really thought 1 of them is my niece, then it's okay anyway as they're nice and lovely.
I definitely am being controlled like a schedule by doctor because I don't know where they are except 1(maybe have grown up so big and forgotten me), doctor will definitely make me smooth with them again 1 day as want my memory to recover they will tell me what happened I think.
It's been more than 1 month since injection then my left arm still in abit of pain but I believe doctor it's "temporary pain", I really hoping and want to do arm exercise but I can't and can only do legs exercise so that the pain doesn't become worse.
I feel that psychics doctors and Wali Allah knew that I won't zikir so much suddenly just because of their knowing ability, then somehow I'm forgiven if I don't do it, it's like a mess I zikir sometimes then suddenly stop because it got boring, this is why I blog a lot.
On my 6th month next year I definitely will have a lot of money then I will try meeting (S) or go City Hall hopefully O.C.B.C is around there because nobody tells me where is it, I can only imagine Raffles Place will look like it, it's harsh I really don't know where she is, but the point of walking around is to know life that I've missed for so long.
I also hope that Anbernic RG477V becomes like a trend to get to play with people together outside randomly on multiplayer-games, like "Monster Hunter", but it seems like it won't happen, I really hope people around the world makes this popularity like Digimon to live up games in life, even like having friends to play Contra together, an old game, it would really be fun if my brother starts back his old life ways like playing games again, I definitely have no one anymore about gaming, 6 months to go is still long way to go too.
Like (S), (W) and (A)'s family members I can connect just by gaming together from this device, then I feel life can still become normal again if can connect with them are they're definitely special memories in my heart and my life. The success of small girl is shocking that life really made me believe something bad about them causing the break-up, it's really sad they didn't try to make me remember things but doctor maybe help to keep them hanging on with me that's a different version of "waiting". It's been so long I really feel it like impossible too, sad I can't know or verify their feelings towards me at all just imagining they're still in love and together with me from distance due to my sickness, it's like a split-up and me becoming to be recovery-state have to be far away from them, like a surgery or operation of my life.
I really feel like doctors answers are far from me and hard to get, I really want to know about (S) but doctors limited information to become like this until I forgotten I have ever talked to (S) and they still let it be and not remind me what happened. Maybe they're at different feelings about helping me, it's harsh I have to keep thinking of (S) everyday and dreaming of being with her.
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