Totally forgot..

It's bad I forgot the death of someone that caused them not wanting to give me money I think as the reason, it's last year kind of expression, the death been known by doctor first about this year.

It's weird the anger supposedly to happen when my mother want me to change medicine, I really want this one because it's easy as injection, then just now I forgot as injection is painful to me.

I just ate ayam masak merah with nasi, it's nice I've been so hungry, it's weird, lucky to taste this food, I'm thinking what (S) would be eating, definitely different, because it's from my mother's Selangor jemputan. Maybe it's just my imagination that we ate the same food supported by doctor, I don't know why I feel like that, like it ever happened. I also don't know why it feels like doctor ever said of giving me an RG477V when actually I would plan to buy next year June as fact, why did my memory have such thing? Like a dream or doctor just treating me like a kid at that time and just lying to me anyway to calm me down? It's like about laundry job it felt like a repeat, then doctor saying "I don't understand" is weird too, psychologist are understanding people but doctor lied to me, I don't know why he's like that, maybe he's being lazy to tell me something, or what could be the real reason, as my guess just maybe used up as a reason.

The jemputan also receive some chocolate cakes, they're so nice I ate 3 cups of it, I guess (S) really ate differently, then I imagine her nice actually nicer than mine, because she have a proper job, means we are different anyway, if I don't get her it's because we're different because I have schizophrenia, I lost a lot of life moments and experiences, if compare now is like actually I'm stupid then she's not, maybe opposite attracts then I'm attracted to her, because of N level and she's a degree, I really lost in life early days of my younger days, it's bad I have to suffer, my mother treated my failure like from me instead of schizophrenia, she's not helping me at all and treating schizophrenia as the fault for me having weakness in life. I don't understand why doctor let her say such thing, why doctor knew but let it happen? Why did doctor lie about not understanding? It's really not nice to me. I really thought the laundry company would be summon and penalized then had to give me money for the overwork at there, and the difficulty of work is high as a bedsheet and duvet really looks like the same. I'm a nothing man when I've grown up, working as laundry? Then I felt nice about it until the busy parts, life's really bad I really can't do anything about my bad life experiences.

They don't really pity me at all, letting me feel or imagine difficulty early in my life, then I feel the pain + schizophrenia along, then I really can't live my life well, they really didn't give me money during N.S is bad too, I really hard to live my life and they treated me badly too, I read a quote don't write bad about family but I think it's better not to treat a family bad. It's just good they have money for medications I guess. It's just too bad I have to experience life in being the one to become understanding when they're actually older than me. I don't know why they're making me like a kid or retarded guy, this makes losing (S) since I was a kid is actually been their fault anyway. I don't mind my life if ruined like have a reason to not marry her, a reason can be created anyway, then I just did not do stuff. If they did something, maybe (S) won't have history of tunang with monkeyface, my life is stupid being schizophrenic people just don't or can't know if I truly love a person because they may think its just insane or childish expression, they maybe don't know I'm truly in love even, "because gila". Stupid life.