6 months more to go for a recovery, I'm definitely excited to recover and live a happy healthy life like can work and earn money myself. It's just happiness after 16 years of being single last being (A), I really wish (W) and (A) hanged on with me, it's schizophrenia's fault not mine, I truly felt something bad as reality and it's too painful for me, but too bad for me they didn't hang on to our relationship, I'm so lonely for so long in life. The difficulty of money is really heavy so I hope my memories are right that I will be receiving money from my mother, it's like a dream so it's bad too, because it's not clear my estimation of life with little money. It's like a pressure I feel due to panic from the shortage of money left in my life.
Just now I feel the spike like still exist in me, but maybe it's because the medicine is finishing in 2 days(from inside my body) too. It's hard life with spike and cold cig. really maintained the temperature I need in my body. I'm trying or planning to save up by smoking very little but I smoked 2 in the morning just now before bath and after. It's really hard to feel stable requiring cig. I will definitely suffer if I just quit cig. like that, I remember when I was in Batam for 3 days, it's definitely boring and like a suffering too, it's like a stunt of quitting cig. suddenly. Maybe lorazepam will help on quitting cig. by the lots of sleep.
The imagination of recovery is happiness, I'm 38 years old I'm 6mths, I really hope I recover at late 37 years old, then it matches doctors' story that I will recover 38 years old because June is in 6 mths. I definitely will be able to work normally by then. Now is early morning and I'm thinking how the days can pass quickly, I'm also thinking what I would be doing with Fila Jacket and Adidas Hoodie bicycling a lot at night, where would I go? What activity happened in my life? I thought I would be working Popeyes by February? Maybe actually I won't work at all and just keep up with cleaning training earning $6/hr from allowance of cleaning job? I remember doctor saying I would go fishing with him 1 day, but it could be whispers of "if i go fishing with you"(then the story). Hahaha. I really don't know why doctors are being like that. I really want to try fishing kind of life to get something for my family as a return of their help during my schizophrenic days I become troublesome. I feel like a burden to my family and want to get them food too into freezer like a lot of fishes will be easiest free food.
My head really like spinning, it's maybe the micro earthquake being countered by cold cig., so I feel like heavy on my head.
Today I'm only 123MB/400GB of Simba data usage, I'm reminded of happiness my phone number is so easy 80244202 and I got it for my entire lifetime. It's memory definitely with (S) if I got to be in relationship with her, it's like a new life. For now I really hope I get money so I can go out to Marina Square remembering the past and spend my phone data, maybe gift myself McDonald's food and buy a cheap laptop even. I really wonder what to do with so much Data. Will I have friends to play Anbernic RG477V 1 day to spend a lot of phone data by taking photos? Is it the Adidas Hoodie and Fila Jacket is taking photos and playing RG477V with friends?
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