Mixture of feelings

Really feel hopeless, in January is the difficult phase, I face difficulty so many times and like everytime in my life, I wonder why I'm so unlucky like this, then exist strictness in family too, I'm so big already but it's like this. The pressure is felt as big and boring, I really just want to be seeing doctor already but it's 4p.m the meeting. It's Monday today means (S) is at work, many are so lucky to have health.

I didn't even know life is let to be hard when it can be easy, I don't know why it's like this, I just have to believe my family just goaling for medicines and that's all, don't know why they want me to feel like the story of like an orphan. I dont know what's the success if I really get money late in June next year, it's really harsh then doctors didn't help me too. I have to imagine smoking rolled cig. of unfinished tobacco of my brother's as he have a lot like 1 container as ashtray, the true way of smoking is really practiced by him then I can't even experience the normal way but just smoking until the cotton area, to finish it, life is really bad for me already then they didn't support what can make me feel lighter, I have to write or hint then it's the same outcome, like nothing can talk to them for me too, reasons can be created anyway, dont know why doctor let the strictness continues, I'm a grown up man but it's like this to create a childish feeling of anger and the sadness is like pathetic.

I guess to assume now nobody is helping, it's already 6mths+ anyway, my heart will be less peaceful because of money for entire month, then still praying jobclub give me a job faster than working for free as it's probation period, it just have to be like that their procedure, it's just my luck people just express as nothing painful in my life instead, I don't know when I will msg my mother for money, it will be the 2nd time ever since last year maybe, then hope I get money for real, I never asked for money since N.S days but they are still strict about money. My life can't be healthy like this, no wonder doctor said that "babies will be sick if have babies" then? It's because I don't experience a lot of pleasure in life. Feel sad if I'm goaling for a lover then actually having no money and can't work, I feel like a useless man already, then girl that I intended to be my lover have to know this kind of stuff as a man it's hard to imagine the stress became shared like a small kid or retarded guy. People all hate to be asked for money, then I have to experience anticipation of being asked for money by me from others, the imagination is bad and stupid man.

I really don't know what caused me schizophrenic during my N level, I maybe would've gotten money as presents, it's maybe really the small girl that caused my schizophrenia to happen, it would've been handled well maybe? I kept forgetting then remembering of the small girl by her voice in my memory, then it boils me up then I have to rest, hopefully it's because the medicine is finishing that it's like this, why she have to be trying to control my mind becoming a lot of her voices to mess up my mind and health. In the past even if schizophrenic, I could still go to school, but they let me experience this kind of stuff.

If its far away people reading definitely none can help, I have to feel like a heart-jerk in my heart many times because of stress about money. ••••••••••• it removes some pain like that.