I'm so lonely in life, thinking of my schizophrenia, I was thinking of Solat yesterday that it's only morning, mid day, afternoon, and twice at night, its only 5-10mins using surah Al-Ikhlas but I didn't do it, I wonder why I'm like this, I just think if my Soulmate follows me or the girls follows me, they would have to Solat also? But I think they already Solat except for (S)? I wonder if my way is really peaceful and nice, I think of meditation 5 minutes a day instead of Solat maybe I will be more like a Psychologist, I really want to become peaceful like them and still live my life normally.
I checked that Ramadan is 18 February 2026, I would still be learning Iqra normally everyday and I'm really late about understanding Arab. I really want to achieve this and I hope I get to do it well too, I wonder how long it will take for me to be able to read Al-Quran but knowing Iqra it really feels like I can know by 3 months, then I imagine it's difficult and maybe 6 months is not enough still, I wonder if I really will become someone like that, it's just a search for peace, it's like money brings peace too then I think of working then I will still be fine? At least I'm learning everyday and I think growth exist in my life that I learn new things everyday, I hope I'm at least smarter each day, as I have lost 16 years of my life from schizophrenia. Everyone is living normally without me that most probably will waste money if have money then not given money making my life hard. I don't know why but to think of reasons for them I became like this instead, I really just want to recover from schizophrenia.
Right now I still hear the small girl's voice Abit, in many volumes, I'm just sad how medicine only works Abit and I really have to live through my life like this. I remember that 1 day the small girl won't know she attacked my life and will be angry at "small girl that attack my life" when it's actually herself, she really loss her memory and I believe it abit. I wonder why her schizophrenia is different, it's like she can murder someone or cause someone to commit suicide then actually forgot that she's the one that did it, her schizophrenia is really different or more violent as fact but she's surviving strongly like not in pain as she's in school, it's weird like schizophrenia chooses what kind of pain a person should be in then her symptom doesn't appear many times too, it's weird doctors didn't talk about her too, I wonder why it's like that, like I was left believing that (A) played behind my back for so long then nobody reminded me that it's the small girl that did it, taking medicines makes me remember of her and the voices of her in different volumes to think of her, I really have no choice but bear with it.
I'm imagining my future like will it be true my uncle will be gifting me a television in my room and a sofa to sit watching it? I'm really happy that I can connect handheld console and play on television if imagine life, but I remember his son still play PSP on Android and I wonder I feel bad like that, I should become like his son and enjoy PSP on Android. I still don't remember why people treat me like a son I can only guess at babies age I kept losing my memory and people start pitying me about it. I'm 37.5 years old now and I never been connecting with them for this many years, but I guess the voices of them makes it sounds like it's the same treatment, I wonder how they all agree on my parents to not give me money at all, it's weird life being this way, the treatment of parents like that is really okay? I really want my children to have money everytime 1 day, I think I don't want them to experience the same difficulty as me, but it's just my luck having schizophrenia if not I can work and earn money and won't have money problem. Schizophrenia really created me to have money problem if not my effort on (S) would be different I think. (S) is a gamer I read on her twitter of her life then she didn't write of me at all, I wonder why I'm not special in her heart, does she even have a diary of me? Does she believe that I love her truly yet?
I'm planning to earn a lot of money 1 day after reading a quote that it can skip "people's talk" away from my life I really hope I can work well in future and become a better man. I'm planning to chase all Top Food like Best Nasi Lemak, Best Nasi Ayam etc. to taste them 1 day, I ever wanted to make a food blog or vlog then I changed my mind, like where will I get the money from to do all that? I hope my family becomes more thinking of the situation that there exist the top food in Singapore and we go around tasting them as spending life together to become like that will be nice. I really just want a better life but my parents are old 70 and 73 in years old then even if I remember from doctor that they will live until 100+ years old, thinking of money is bad then they don't give me money, even still working at old age, then definitely I will have a bad image if they don't give me any money due to the attitude they will create me to have, I wonder why I'm different not treated like Hisyammuddin, he's so lucky but I remember it's around the same timing maybe he ever in difficulty leaving only EZ-link left to do this phase of life like mine, means we're experiencing quite the same or mine is actually easier as I have a brother that gave me $200 at the last minute urgency of life.
I remember my uncle want to talk to my brother then forum is the best way, then none of them seems to effort on making the forum exist, except me just waiting and wondering why nobody agree it's nice, why they know time like knowing their death is not yet to delay the existence of forum? Maybe because I would complain that my parents don't give me money in forum and wondering why it's so strict, nobody in my family explains why they're so strict about money I just have to be thinking about it myself.
It's going to be February tomorrow in year 2026, then (S) still haven't contacted me yet, I wonder why she become only a reader of my life and nothing more, is she truly occupied by her niece every weekend? Why can't she just spend time with me yet? Is it because of my mental being unstable? I really just like looking at her face it makes me happy just like that, I wonder what we would talk about I just want her to imagine me telling her that I love her and really hope just by that love I would get her as my wife, I really don't know how to tackle someone like her too, I just want the girl I want first something like that. (W) and (A) would be reading me in love with (S) and I definitely feel bad too the break-up shouldn't have happened but I wonder what was the conversation because I would definitely try my best to keep the relationship, doctors didn't mind me didn't keep in touch with any of them too it's harsh they're being like this, I wonder why doctors are fine about it.
It smells like Sambal Telur Rebus then I'm happy I would be eating it soon, I'm really super hungry right now and want to fill myself up.
I remember my days I ever wasted at the Arcade so many times if not I would maybe be having so much money, Arcade was addictive and I used to spend time with my brother at there during my N.S days, life's so hard to live while everyone can be having life as healthy and becoming a working person.
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