Went to Shop

Bought Redbull to feel healthier for today, I exercised 50 sideways legs lifting each leg and happy about it.

My previous post only have 5 viewers, it's really like a length of writing makes the number of viewers but I remember sometimes I wrote quite long but still less than 10 viewers. I wonder when the advertisement will happen, will it even happen? I took photos at the new lift as the mirror is so big it's so nice, I remember doctor said (S) would feel jealous I have a lift that looks like in a hotel, it's so cool like that. My life writings really about (S) most of the time because I lost memory of what I maybe deal with (W) and (A), the common sense is not hang on and not leave me but even when I became believing differently they didn't tell me the entire story of what had happened, maybe they got tired and shocked of schizophrenia really makes memory loss, do they believe I really loss my memory though? I wonder like that.

I remember if me keeping a relationship, knowing I have schizophrenia I would want them to leave me because of the pain I would feel "even if it didn't happen" then if I believe it as real somehow due to the voices, I would still be in pain and it's better to be far from each other than me feeling in pain, I knew I would be at effort to keep the relationship. I still don't know why it's hard to remember, the schizophrenia is so strong it created me loss of my memories and I can't remember what I have agreed with (W) and (A) but just live a forgotten life like a break-up really happened, it's sad it became like a nonsensical break-up, but it's weird they are happy about it but it looks like I'm the one that must remember but why are they not messaging me? Is it because of the voices? They will experience schizophrenia 1 day anyway and would understand me but it's unfair I have to live on like this, it's impossible that I would ask for a break-up, I wonder how doctors will fix this for me as they're psychics and knows.

I remember houses of (W) and (A) still in my mind if they haven't shifted house, I wonder what's the marriage plan will be like, the break-up or time-off for many years been too long will they still love me? Why am I feeling like nothing like memory loss of them, I remember I have a happiness that's 1 of a kind with them before then this happens, schizophrenia is really bad then nobody is siding me about being in relationship with 1 of them again, I feel sad I have to go through this alone and just swallowing all the pain alone, enduring life without a lover it is hard, I'm too old already as fact and wonder how I will ever get married because my mental is still like this. I feel like I am childish person and hard to be stable kind of life. Hisyammuddin grows better than me for so long and he's so lucky about it.

I remember doctors ever said I will become a doctor 1 day, I wonder if it's true, my mental is really strong 1 day? I wonder why nobody is talking to me about O-level too, I really want to do it because of schizophrenia making me loss of chances in life, and it decreases my chances of becoming to look as a very smart person, I became a stupid N-level only instead and I'm sad about it, it decreases my chances of getting the girl I want, especially (S) is so far ahead, what can make me get her is only because of being her partner in Kindergarten days, I really remember I love her since the dancing partner days, she's so pretty a kind that makes me feel like entering heaven if get her to be my wife, or her language maybe - soulmate. Why soulmate "have to get" it is weird didn't God create each of us to have someone and it's our soulmate? Why didn't she believe me I really think shes my soulmate? Is 17 November 2025 she saying she love me is true as told by doctor is like that? Does (S) love me already and considering herself as in relationship with me just having to meet up and talk about it? I really want to marry her since young days and nobody can guarantee me of getting her to be my wife. I'm sad by the difficulty of having her due to schizophrenia, it's an additional difficulties added into my life, and multiply the problems like working and education level, schizophrenia decreases all image of good that I can achieve if I don't have it.

Later I will download Virtual Tennis World Tour I think then try playing Tennis, it's fun game. I'm the most game freak in my family and relatives I think, I wonder why my cousins don't enjoy games like I do, they seem normal to have a life without gaming pleasure and can survive life being happy still, I'm just sad of how I miss games but my cousin maybe not sad they miss games, it's weird game is so fun. I remember reading about (S) on Twitter that she plays games then it means she's a lot more advanced about games than me, but I remember doctor is the one that told my father not to buy me games anymore because schizophrenia will cause me to break and spoil games, I wonder why my luck is really like this. Then I think again if they are serious about RG477V or it's really a dream that I thought they would be gifting me one? Especially the $50/doctor and it's 10 Doctors will sum up to $500 that will be given to me 1 day at Jobclub, because all of them are my adopted fathers, I have so many and I didn't know it's until 10, then if it's not doctor that told me why it's in my memory like I hear voices of it? It sounds really fun like I will be not feeling in difficulty, but just stretching to survive for another duration of my life.

I wonder if I will download Harvest Moon because the game have like a time limit "per day" then it's hard to be fast, I really want to be doing well in games and don't want to fail in games, maybe I should try other games instead? I wonder what games will be fun to play on Android. Anyway I still feel like selling my phone because my brother left 1 of his phone here for so long then it means if I can use it means it's okay to have more money selling this phone. I remember doctor said "don't buy RG477V because doctor will buy" for me, then I wonder why there's no news about it, maybe they forgot or it's really a dream? A dream is really like this?

I feel like my cousins don't really game a lot because I have schizophrenia then they decided not to have a lot of fun in life that I will miss, hahaha I wonder if they really care about me until like that. Anhedonia really harsh I don't know how to overcome it, I really want to feel having fun in life playing games but it's just a dull feeling, the excitement is gone, I know I must try have it again somehow but I don't have a handheld console to try, PSP Emulator is the only way for such thing but the game is maybe boring too? I remember it's up to FIFA or PES 2014 in P.S.P, means there's a lot of games from 2010 to 2014 that I have missed, I really ever plan to catch-up PSP Games using Android and imagined the world as getting easier because can play PSP games on Android, then I didn't do it because of anhedonia.

I remember my 2nd Sister said she planning to buy Pizza Hut in February because of having extra money as her daughter Dina have completed Car License already and she have nothing left to pay, I really miss normal life like that - eating Pizzas especially. Time really flies and Dina really got a Car License and at 20 years old, I really didn't feel her grow up and it feels too fast and I'm suddenly old, I hope I catch-up my memories, then I also hope people talk to me about O-levels too or why I don't go out to places, like nobody worries because they don't go out to places kind of life. My family and relative mostly focused on Solat, Zikir and Doa and don't worry about not having life at all, it's weird they can really be peaceful just by doing such things repetitively, maybe praying for me because I have schizophrenia that I kept losing memories but how come they don't feel like it works at all but just keep trying for more than 16 years? Doctors' medicine is the only way for me in life and I'm glad I'm doing it already now. I used to skip medicines so many times since primary school maybe, then I kept entering Ward every 29th June, this year is going to be different, I won't enter ward again, I really hope I will be successful.

I remember doctor ever said I will want to capture the person that spiked me meth in ward and maybe might want to enter ward again, I really hope it's not necessary because just telling doctor would be enough which one brought meth into hospital, I really hope it settles peacefully somehow because there should be a fine of $1000 for smoking but then doctors knew I don't have money, but I was spiked anyway, and some of them really just being angry then smoke publicly at ward anyway, it's weird that such thing can happen without nurse stopping but maybe it's a gift from doctor allowing it.

I remember my cousin also play PSP emulator on Android and have no problem about it, I wonder why they don't really mind the different feelings about playing a game.

Today is Friday and (S)'s last day of the week, I have 3 more days to jobclub and happy spending time freely like this.