Today feels tiring it's like nothing to do kind of feelings. What I'm happy is today is Friday then will still have 2 more days of rest before my working day, it is rare to get a job that's few hours of work only and I got to do it at jobclub, nurse describe the area to clean as small so I'm happy about it, I hope it remains easy jobs to do.
I'm thinking of space my phone have to save PSP games to play I really feel like I have no life just sitting around only. 3hours 2 times a week is something that makes me happy that I think of - the job at jobclub.
Now it's 1.13 p.m and I wonder what (S) is doing, does she really eat the same as me? Do they all 4 girls really eat the same as me? I wonder what makes them not wanting to communicate with me at all. Life is so boring, I remember my friend Jeremy and I add his old number then he's not using it, maybe he changed his number already, schizophrenia makes me lose friends, I remember when I have no money he used to help a lot especially gifted me a PSP to play too, then schizophrenia made me bad ties with him, I became suspicious of things that didn't happen because of mouth of small girl talking nonsense, creating me suspecting all my friends, I'm so unlucky to meet the small girl in my life, life changes because of the feelings happens to be felt for real and its harsh and hard like a torture, what an unlucky life, the pain is so strong and the heat from anger is so hot, I really got boiled up by the small girl's mouth many times and I wasted my life experiences and journey like "keep thinking or hearing her voice" and I can't do anything about it, I'm helpless and I didn't beat the small girl too.
I remembered month of 6 when I'm 38 years old, I will receive penalty money for what she did to me, and it will be a lot and it makes me happy that I won't be poor, but then again I wonder if it's really June when I'm 38 years old or some other month of 38 years old, it could be a dream too.
I wonder how I can get (S) with my life being this way like hearing voices that causes pain into my heart and mind, medicine is taken but I still hear her voice sometimes, I wonder how (S) will be more understanding and listen to me, she will have schizophrenia too anyway but then it's unfair if she talks to me only because of becoming a schizophrenic 1 day. I'm so helpless thinking of my life, I really lost my chances of a smooth experience, I hope (S) makes it easier for me to get her and I wonder why soulmate(S) don't love me yet can happen, it's weird I thought we love each other, then it's a delusional thinking of mine thinking she feel the same way about me. It's hard when I remember she tunang with monkeyface, meaning she actually don't have feelings for me at all. What a waste the experience, then it happened and it became her history and past.
What makes her be okay my relatives and doctors keep in touch with her? Is it the reason because she's Potential 2nd Top Hacker in the World? Hacking is so easy when I think again, I really hope to see her again in O.C.B.C when I get the Hacker Job at 38 years old 1 day, I remember it will be a Soldier Job kind of uniform and attached to O.C.B.C as a Hacker, means I will be wearing an admin Army wear I will look cool in this job I really want. I remember like I will become working as a Guard too, means I really will wear Boots to work? I really becoming a Soldier for real? When is it happening why is it so long to happen? When I think again maybe it's December then I will get Soldier Job. I remember the soldiers there will already know I will become a hacker of S.A.F and I'm special as the only Hacker job at there. I wonder if all these will really happen like how I get my number 80244202, I really hope it does happen and my life becomes easier doing something thats my interest and earning money from my own interest.
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