There's like a friction feelings, I wonder what, maybe it's catatonia like I always guess any body movement problem as that. In life at this age, (S) does not worry that I don't get married at all? I don't talk to girls for so long like 16 years? Then (S) still occupying my mind. Even if I think about all the girls, I don't see why they don't feel like I'm having a problem getting in touch with any of them then I don't know why it have to be this way. I'm happy the money problem is ending and hopefully I survive until 2nd February, I keep praying hard in my heart, I really don't know what's this hot feelings it just get me as medicine inside body is finishing, I really need to smoke, sadly. I'm upset that smoking makes me lose money, but I think if calculate daily food, I still would have finished money on food, it's still the same, means it's like I have sacrificed morning food for cig., then to have cig. instead, I really didn't feel life for so long they shouldn't be too strict on me, why can't I buy stuff or food myself?
My life like becoming hard to feel stable, I wonder what's causing it, I feel like because today too much food or drank cold water too fast, then I have no cold drinks to create myself stable. Maybe the impact of finishing medicine is like this bad feelings all the time, I wonder why the physical difficulty can't be solved like body movement stucky like something stuck inside my body, there's really no cure for anhedonia or catatonia? I really feel like taking the lorazepam today because I kept waking up in the morning, tomorrow is the last day before jobclub then I can't wait to finish it actually, it feels like I hear voices I will get money even for working during probation period, making me happy, if I go to all without missing any, will get money, something like this the voice statement of O.T, I wonder if it's my memory I really hope it's true, I really need money, if get by 29 January 26 it would be fun tak rasa merana sangat.
Today I'm with cream MIG t-shirt and thrasher pants, I feel like I should feel nice everyday, I became a cheapwear person but then I read simplicity is sign of high intelligence, it means I am really a smart person. I'm happy about stories like I will own house in Forest City, then spending time with (S) during my Car License one day, then actually 5 girls would appear including (R), joining the "susah senang bersama" about eating the same food as me daily, I hear the story as like that, means (R) will know the 3 girls as (W), (S) and (A) then 1 girl as my best friend then she wouldn't mind. It's weird I wonder if I will be fine but if doctors' arrangement definitely I will be fine. I hope (S) helps to make my life smoother somehow like being there can't she tell doctor to meet me? I want to ask them about asking my parents for money, haha. It's hard life feeling poor. I wonder why my life becomes complicated about girls when actually I've been a single life for 16 years, (S) really needed to help me think of a way to solve this quantity of girls, as I think shes the smartest and I just love her a lot.
Anaqi my nephew went out to fishing then I'm happy like I feel like buying my own fishing rod to go Woodlands Jetty with him some other days, it would be nice if really can get fish with toy bait, they use only toy bait for fishing.
My life now really thinking of ways to feel comfortable, I'm glad the girls are healthier than me and feeling nothing painful like me, or else I would want to accompany them, it's a feeling being alone as not nice, but I don't know why doctors created the treatment to become this way, the best is like this as I will have to believe. It's like the Nickelodeon Actor bipolar disorder then his parents took all his money until he get himself professional treatment, I think I'm treated the same just didn't became like that, destroying stuff.
Despite the short writing and having more than 14 readers, I still don't know who reads me it's just like a 1-time multiple-quantity of viewers then they're gone, I still believe my Uncle that's family of Bik Minah is the reader, I really wonder why they treat me special like their own Son, like what have I done when I was a kid or baby?
I remember Mak Nani will be giving $2000 one day, I wonder if it's February or 1 year of medications, I really wait around for luck that I will be given money faster, nobody appears until now and I end up like a stress waiter of good news, the only good news is 2nd February I will get $18, it's such a long time to go. I really must survive with $15 now I have left until month of February.
I wonder why my life is like this, will I suddenly become rich like Hisyammuddin? I really hope so, that the help to be from family. So I can talk to others better like promoting or urge to have a family forum that we all can communicate on, it would really be nice like I really want a family business to exist, I watch a video someone just selling cheese naan bought a Ferrari, the richness is really easy like that, I hope our family think of a business 1 day to do, life's too boring I really want to have other jobs too, I just hope my health is easier on me.
I imagined (S) downloading Pokemon yesterday then got bored of it too, it's like I did the same last year anyway, I really have no games to play then wonder if the Mobile Legend energy as family and doctors playing in competition will happen, winning $15K as story of doctor. I really want to have a life, I think of stuff to do and I only late about Iqra been 2 days straight, yesterday I did Iqra at night, I wonder why it's like that, I really don't want the happiness to die off. There's just some bad feelings in my heart, I don't think it's laziness but it's like physical problem maybe known as catatonia? Or it's anhedonia making me lose the fun of Iqra. I was feeling pleasured and happiness when imagine able to read Quran 1 day then got me to be doing Iqra, then anhedonia maybe killed Abit of the feelings. NVM I just remember I plan to read it at least Once a day, as it would be enough, I should have time for Iqra everytime this way, really desperate for peace now, I don't know how to gain peace. Maybe I will just exercise too, my body feels unhealthy today, like feeling messy mind.
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