I think I would download PSP emulator later, then it's like last year I think I did the same playing Harvest Moon in Bus then in the end uninstalling it because it became too boring. Thinking what I should do I have done my daily Iqra, including yesterday's miss or I have done it that I forgot, it's hard my life, Hisyammuddin really Solat when he was in the same phase of pain in life as me, I really wonder if I will do the same, I really want to be stable. I took unfinished cigs. from my brother's ashtray then put in my empty cig. box to have rolling cig. in future, I really don't know if it will be enough or continuously be like this in month of February, having nothing in life is bad, cigs. is bad for wasting money but it calms me down from other kind of pain that I wish don't exist or happen to me. I really wonder what to do, why they didn't give me money like daily in February but giving in March instead, the O.T said it's immediately after that but then the other jobclub say it's March, I really hope they really mix up and it's daily since February, life really got to be different than estimation or calculation of "coping life". I think I will survive on unfinished tobaccos first then as it's the only way of life.
I will look at PSP games later to see what I can play, Fight Night Round 3 like fun then Virtua Tennis 3 like fun too, like I will replay it many times in the past then I don't get sick of it, I really hope for fun like playing Patapon 2 and 3 even, I really wonder if I really can have fun it's because of anhedonia created me loss of pleasure in everything I do, I'm sad nobody have the medicine for it, I wonder how long it will be like this, really can know if will be happy or not in doing something we used to like in the past, I really don't feel anything at all, my life became boring and nothingness I guess.
I'm really at a point of selling this android for a happier life with money, I just need to survive the entire February and it's 1 month long, using a cheap phone will be okay anyway? I wonder if it's a right decision, too bad nobody supports me in life, my brother have 2 extra phones it seems like tempting to sell and use 1 of it myself, but maybe his phone is spoilt something in it, maybe the screen, that's why he's not using anymore, I wonder why life really have to reach a difficult level, I didn't ask him for money too, like too bad in life just have to be feeling or experiencing something like this. Even if cigs. not really the cause of money finishing, because food will cause it too, I remember to quit cig. will happen around 1 week of pain about it then it goes and become craving for cigs. instead on the 10th day especially, I wonder if it will happen in February, my bro's unfinished cigs. is a lot to take, his ashtray is a big cylinder container, I really hope I survive this hardship moments in life.
I think it's clear that nobody supports me except the common sense of medicine and transport, if I got it earlier I wouldn't be having no money anyway, I used my own money for transport anyway, at least I didn't ask for money but they still don't give me money, I'm thinking like a mission of life is just to "go with the flow" and "self-damage" like creating ownself without cigs., I really hope I can talk to (S), then I want it not about money, but my writings been about money, they created my life complicated because of money, I'm sad it have to be the anticipation to be the topic - "money". Like no chance for a pleasant conversation at all.
I check my phone space I have 6.2gb free, like downloading PSP games will be okay I feel like that, then I wonder about what to delete too, what should I do in my life why it's so dull, bored and difficult as the recipe of current pain, it's the worse nightmare life if don't have android that I spent my own money too on it, they gave me no chances of having even $50 just like that too, wonder what they gain from doing this, really helpless already. I tried Doa Nabi Nuh then I wonder if it will help me, it's harsh even like this to believe about Doa "a miracle will happen", when nothing usually happens after zikir or doa, it's always the same still then Muslim taught to survive this way, I wonder why so hard while others maybe became a millionaire without becoming a Muslim too, their life is easier I look at rich people like Quotes of CEO, Dreams, Motivations, I really feel there is something we don't do that's why can't become a millionaire. Wonder why hardship is okay in my life, maybe my luck is just bad having hardship then wanting the girl I want, then I can't have with the reason of hardship, it's like they want it to be matter of love to be true but people really hate if someone don't have money anyway? Like how to survive and feed wife and kids anyway? Men are most needed about this matter.
I think now I'm resting while looking at PSP games, hoping the fun can happen, but I know anhedonia created no fun to exist at all, there's maybe something doctors hide from me is why I still feel the anhedonia, maybe there's a nice medicine but doctors liking this feelings more to be like this, sadly for me. Just my luck I guess. It's like making to be wishing to be spiked again just for a nice feeling sadly, I really feel bad and dull. Exercise like can create anhedonia to be gone for 1 min only like that then anhedonia created like loss of pleasure during exercise as my goal is happiness if I exercise, to maintain my weight and have a built body, then if it's pleasure it means anhedonia will take it away from me too making me hard to exercise like usual. I feel bad like writing about money many times but I feel like "why?!" they're so strict about money too. My life will become nothing this way and they're happy about "me working". Why is it like that, isn't it heartless, too harsh or too hard on me?
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