Semangat Kerja

I feel more semangat to work tomorrow when I saw a video of a girl singing a song about Hari Raya, it reminds me everytime Hari Raya, people usually have more money than usual, people can give money to their anak sedare meaning actually I want to be a normal person first like having money for Hari Raya, for kids. I truly hope I will get the job at Popeyes on 29th January 26, I really want a stable Hari Raya like at least giving my niece and nephews money kind of standard of person, I wonder how to become a good standard person if I only just work 1 day, I really am different than other people that have money for their nieces and nephews during Hari Raya, I have nothing in fact. My bank account is maybe $1.10 inside and I'm becoming a useless man like my family let me be like this, I don't know why I'm not given money to save up in future I would've at least have money supposedly if they treated me normally like giving me money daily or weekly or monthly, my sisters are luckier they really get a lot of money while me and my brother don't, I don't know why my parents are like that.

I'm so unlucky in life thinking of this $14 left, after buying redbull just now, I feel healthier when I drink redbull, my eyes vision don't have appearence of a crystal vision like outline of a human or something crystallic appearing most of the time. Right now if I close my eyes I can see my father I wonder where the colours in darkness comes from, he's looking to my right and sitting down, I wonder why my eyes are like this. Schizophrenia is weird I really hope I recover soon like others that have been cured from schizophrenia, I wonder if it's really 2 years long, I hope 1 year is enough for me, tomorrow is the injection meaning today it's finishing and I will feel hotness, so yesterday having cig. is fine, I think of saving up this money until 2nd February or at least cig. on 29th, I only have 8 sticks left, can I survive even 1 cig. per day it would be funny and hard, I wonder why it's like this, I'm like a kid asking for stuff not knowing clearly if my family knows I need money, I thought it's common sense that people need money in life.

Later I will learn Iqra then maybe download PSP emulator and play harvest moon or even fight night round 3, I wonder if I can be okay in life having nothing, while rich people are giving money in future they have actually worked hard to get, then I'm just a useless person that is their adopted child, to be given money, I'm like a bad person that I don't like it too, I definitely want to become a better man, like I wish doctor can teach me psychology faster, hoping I really can become psychologist. I remember at 38 years old 1 month of Risperidone I will become a Psychic says doctor, it means it's July 2026 I will become Psychic, doesn't it mean I become a doctor at 38 years old but I'm only N level certificate and a Hacker intelligence, I wonder if I really become a nurse in the end, I know story of doctor is that I will become a nurse in I.M.H, if my adopted parents are nice to me I really want to be nice to them, it's sad how I can't Solat yet, maybe it's Catatonia, when I think now, Hisyammuddin is more capable than me in a lot of things, he's so successful in life, I thought I would grow better than him in the past, then he got Car License first and even Married I think, he's really lucky to get the girl of his wish, it's like me wanting (S) - the girl of my wish. It's really weird I want her to be my girl and it's true love then it didn't impact like a dream or story "love happens" but I have to effort and she didn't love me then tunang with "Iman" until this far, I'm sad I feel so helpless like "how can I get her then?", why she choose to "susah senang bersama" me then? Isn't it sweet she's being like that? But when I think again it's definitely money that she don't want me to feel jealous she's having more in life, but my family did this to me, they made me have no money and not strong in life, like a suffering in heart I still have to live the best I can. Definitely it's like a force to make Solat, then if (S) solat too, why did she follow me then? They really don't find Psychologists as nice people that if they don't Solat as something okay, they(my family) can be okay with me? They're highly intelligent and I want to become like them too.

I wonder how every Hari Raya, every parents like have the money to buy baju raya for their family and even have money to give away to nephews and nieces, even buying drinks and make kuih for visitors, or even buy kuih, then I can't do all this at this age when I supposedly should be able or afford already, my life is truly bad on purpose by family and no one cares about it thinking my father is rich maybe living in double-storey house would be providing for me, I hope they do not let me in panic of having no money but they just let it be, psychics maybe knew but they let it be too, it's hard trying to understand and could even be wrong reasons, why they promoting me to believe my schizophrenic moments like a true parents would want their children happy then why I'm like this kind of experience? Why (S) letting me be experiencing this too? Isn't she a Banker? Why my soulmate didn't help me?

Did I have a useless soulmate?

In life we need to have enough then as a smoker it creates never enough then it's part of my craving they don't care about but I remember they ever threaten to ward me if I smoke again, last year I think, then I really have nobody anymore siding me, even being adopted child of many people, all of them should be agreeing on it, but if doctor didn't put me inside ward with reason of smoking, it's maybe something else like I didn't take medications as fact but at big age they even fool me like a kid, to seem because of smoking I enter inside again, I don't know why my soulmate don't pity me about this and I live difficult life continuously.