If me and (S) smokes and having only $15, I wonder how's life becoming for her, if there's a 50 stick pack wouldn't it be nice like we can have a reason to meet up and get more sticks after halving?
I think I decided to just swallow up the pain and go through life without cigs. on 29th January? It's really hard then maybe I'm feeling unstable because the medicine inside body is finishing, I really will go through an injection tomorrow, anhedonia created me really unhappy of the feelings in my life experiences, I feel like a zombie. I remember 1 time the door was locked because of Covid then I thought it's zombie virus in Singapore, life didn't become adventurous like a lot of help and actually it's just a sickness in Singapore. I wonder why it's like that, the schizophrenia really got me thinking it's zombie then as I watch TikTok have choices of things to keep if there's a zombie apocalypse and I thought admiralty area have zombies. It's because of the voices I hear. I remember I dream of zombie before and wonder what it means.
I need to feel good somewhere then I cooked scramble egg kicap manis white pepper then the taste didn't really happen nicely, then I airfry chicken then I ate with rice again, it's a happiness thing the food, I don't know if the girls eats the same as me because of "susah senang bersama", their stomach is smaller so definitely satisfies easily, I wonder why they don't pity me like buying $5 Fish Fillet sometimes it's so cheap, or even save up to buy me a cig., wonder why their initiative is like limited into a kind of life that I can only feel really alone or in a survival state. They didn't try to talk to me at all?
I wonder if any of them really think of RG477V or Nintendo Switch 2, like we will have something to play together 1 day, I'm so bored my life just sitting around and I slept awhile just now until 12p.m or 1p.m like that, I really hope the good life can happen faster there's just a strong hard feelings in my body I don't like it a lot, maybe catatonia is like that and medicine really created anhedonia, wonder why doctor don't give me another medicine for anhedonia? I wonder why I didn't eat lorazepam yesterday, I hope I can feel better in life with all the medicines that I have.
I wonder why I feel like self-damaging maybe due to initiative of (S) didn't promote a happier outcome to my life, maybe she don't feel anything for me but if I believe she's my soulmate why she's not being better to me? It's more than 10 years already this feelings but she maybe don't believe that I love her maybe she believe I'm crazy and just saying love anyhow? I wonder why there's no impact on her.
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