Peaceful ending

Just told to give back my uniform and it's settled, I hope it's the end of stress already and I can live peacefully alone taking medications daily, I don't know when I will get a job that's $1400 salary as said by doctor on my first month, even hearing close to $2000 then it's like total of money from government instead, it's weird the confusion, I was known to buy the black cargo pants and I really bought it then i quit this job then I wonder what I'm going to do.

I wonder if I will be okay, there's just a panic feelings in me that I can't control and just surviving sometimes it just happens, I wonder if I will work as dishwasher again or something else, I really have the chef/kitchen shoes and bought the black cargo pants intended for work then I really can't do it, it's weird they just letting me live my life like a survivor instead of living freely and earning money, I don't know why Sakinah don't mind that I suffer in life like she have doctors around but didn't talk things out for me like my parents to give me money, it's really bad my life, even Wahdiah and Shahridah didn't effort that I live a nicer feeling kind of life instead of hardship and poor life, they are not a caring standard I feel and I think my life as actually gone. It's really bad I will be going to Maxwell tomorrow to send back the shirt then I feel like going City Hall at the same time but then I guess it's okay anyway, I really don't know where is Sakinah at, I loss my memory and she really just living her life instead of thinking like I've been thinking of her for a long time, like what's on my mind, then she don't care I'm so occupied in life thinking of her then she didn't even offer lightness to occur to me, she just working daily then weekends with her niece maybe then she didn't spend time on me at all, then I remember during her old days, she got so limited time then it's for "Nur Iman" instead? I got to feel like what she placed me to feel like "she had sex with Nur Iman" was to be imagined by me because of her last photo, then I really can't believe such thing somehow, is it denial? Should I try to forget her already, it's like going to be my last post writing about her. Blog is about feelings anyway.

My life from 17 years old until 38 years old(soon) is horrible and a lot of memories loss since N level days, it was continuous then it became stronger in N.S it was worse and continued after N.S it became so heavy lovesick and schizophrenia, then nobody treated me like an ambulance to Sakinah as a healing method, it's too bad my life became like that, she's just expressing what in her life? What is she trying to do to me? If she don't like me why she accept the attention of my adopted families?

I miss the old days of life like school and studying at b.m.c, I want such feeling to come back but I'm so old, I wonder if I will take O level again, doctor said my heart will be asking for help from doctor in December 2026, then it means I'm still suffer at 38 years old, it's sad like that but the reality is I have visioned myself in pain in future then it means I don't see that I have recovered at all, why is it so horrible my life? Why I have this 2 in 1 schizophrenia and lovesick, then anhedonia then Alysha in my life, it's like a haunting of Alysha like a Secret Terrorist in my life, "just due to not beating her i suffer because of what she said to me", I was just being kind and not like a bully, she's so bad to me in life I wonder when she will become nicer again or even say sorry, it's so many years but the outcome is I live my life without her saying sorry to me, now going to be 40 years old in 2yrs+, wow, I'm so old and nobody worries that I don't have a child yet, all my siblings have own child/children already, they really left me without a life, I'm so sad of this suffering in life, I can't be strong like a normal couple where the man is the breadwinner and girl live life as a housewife, I'm so bad in my life earnings and always feeling weak and pathetic efforts, it's really crazy how people let me live my life like nothing and they don't mind that they don't support me achieve in life.

My post of almost being 800 in total, then it's so many pages then I wonder if my future children will read or feel bored about it, the point is they will be psychics then will always be knowing anyway, why would they want to read me anyway? Then another thing is will I have children at all if I vision myself as someone that won't get married? It's really crazy my daily life, I'm so upset to the max.