Day 257 outside(305 on medications)

Wow the backpain is still felt as something painful to my body, the work at Amoy Street gave me such pain. The O.T replied that I won't get any salary for my 4 hours of work, sadly it's really like that even if I work properly, the trial was 4 hours and money gone just like that.

Today I took medicine as usual but at around 8.30a.m, I felt sleepy and heavy to wake up but I just do it anyway just for the medicine, it's really like a hike of mountain feeling to take medication daily but I did. I'm happy I only have 60 more days left to eat medicine.

Yesterday I dreamt of Nenek Gemok, and a lot of dead fishes and going up an elevator, I wonder what it means. It's really weird and in the elevator I saw a girl named Phoebe and looks like my cousin Fidah then it's actually Fidah using a different name because in the dream she's a popular to get by guys. The dream is weird and meaningless I think, I wonder why I dreamt something like that.

The hope to gain $5K savings like dying off and I'm left wondering why doctor told me like that, I'm supposed to save $5K+ this year or including next year but it's like this, it's really sad that even $5K is like getting a medal for me, other people earn money easily every month while I'm struggling and became a poor life because of lovesick and schizophrenia, I'm meant to not be able to get the girl of my wish I think, it's really sad that it's like this but everyone is living their life the same without caring support for me. The girl of my wish also didn't care that a man can't work due to schizophrenia and lovesick then family didn't support like giving money to save like teenage boys days having girlfriend is from own pocket money saved anyway to go out with a girl, then it's like this instead, I really feel hopeless and like nobody will help me get the life that I hoped for.

I remember like doctor saying I won't remember about the work $1400/mth first month salary and just work anyway then finally earning that much, it's going to be this year then I won't remember during that work, it's really bad is it October then I will get the job? My imagination of dish-collecting location is not the same as my workplace yesterday, it's different than my vision. I rant at journal about going to work again at somewhere that I gave up before. It's really sad but my life is really like this. I'm made to struggle all the time and can't find a good job.