Still don't know what's happening

In 3 days it's May then I should have found a job by then, I really want to see myself growing to become someone stronger in education as N level is considered as nothing in life, it's an achievement that nobody sees or look up to. In the past I have schizophrenia causing me hard to school, but my parents regard me as attitude problem instead of schizophrenia, it's weird that nobody cares about my life properly, the medication is perfectly just like that daily everyday 2 Fluoxetine every morning, but it's maybe changing 11th May and I can't wait for it to happen, life will become different as anhedonia will be removed from my life, finally I will feel something fast like playing games became smooth again, something that always finish the hours of life I have daily. But maybe I'm going to be working anyway, so I really don't know what's going to happen.

I still wonder about my unknown happiness this year, it's the job and salary, it's something fixed that it will happen but I'm not sure how it will happen, I am really stress and happy at the same time, it's a mixture of 2 emotions because of knowing future from psychic and then not sure if psychic is true too.

Today is only Tuesday, it's a boring 2nd working day this week, then I can't be strong enough to know from doctors the jobs that I will work at, it's really a wait and something unknown, I can't guess it too, weirdly, it's so heavy my life I just want a lighter feeling, if I'm really doing Mathematics, Physics and Chemistry, when is it? Where will I get the money from? No one is telling me if I will get money at all except the imaginations done by Alysha was too much that I started to not expect anything at all. I really want to do well in life, soon it's 5th Month of the year, then 7 more months to be next year, a year that I maybe will O level, in the past when I N level I usually became sleepy after school, so I don't know if I will hangout or hang around after school, maybe I will go home straight away, but I really don't know what's going to happen, the imagination of R is something I'm unsure about if she's real or true about it, it's been so many years, I really want to find out why someone love me so much instead of giving up to memory loss, I only remember like this then it's not full memory, maybe it's too little memory too, it's hard and crazy, I'm left alone for so long that I don't want it to be longer but life have to be this way.