I bought the Binnilu bag, waiting for it to reach me around 7th May it state as that, I'm really happy about the bag it's so nice and have nice pockets area, I'm really satisfied with the buy and waiting for it to reach me. I feel like I will be learning Mathematics Physics Chemistry on my own 1 day, then Social Studies and History, O level, then the only things left are English and Malay language, I really think if I succeed in O level like stories of doctor, I will become someone valuable to be employed and O level is enough to become a wanted person at a job, scoring high especially. I know doctor ever said I will become famous on TV passing my O levels, then I really don't know if such thing will even happen, it's really harsh doctor didn't remind me about it but let me feel the pressure instead, it's weird I really want to feel lighten up about this kind of matter in my life. Doctor also said I will pass A level with flying colours and Psychology also, 3 straight rows of different exams, but I thought Psychology have no exams? Haha.
Then what about story of doctor I will be soldier job then Part Time O level? I told doctor I wanted to take Full Time O level instead though, then it's maybe that I won't become a soldier yet and doctor is just hiding the "if" in front of his stories, it's really difficult when doctor don't speak or tell clearly, I become confuse in future(presently) if he/they lied to me anything, I have confidence in their words only because I scored 100% all subject in N level, only thing I'm proud of myself, I'm hoping I get a good job then earning myself money to be buying O level books, but then it will start in June if my work/job starts in May, then it means I only have 6 months to study O level first before next year. It's really harsh how will I be okay without anyone guiding me? I really feel so random and feel like just buying the books, but I remember N level I didn't need to do that but still scored 100%, it's just the imagination that O level will much more difficult, I really want to excel in it.
It's a really heavy feelings then I am thinking what job is it the 1.4-2k salary, it's so many times in my mind like hearing voices, then I worry it's Alysha but I don't think so, I think doctor is right, as I never wanted to be a useless person but someone stable in life.
I remember it will be the same bag Binnilu brand that I will be using for O level that I already bought and will be receiving on 7th May onwards, I really wish for a healthy feeling like a lot of success and growth coming into my life instead of alot of dullness, I remember doctor saying if I quit smoking I will feel the life that I want, the journal type of feelings, it's imagination of growth, like Sunflower in the morning beside Window or sitting outside of house in America drinking White Coffee, wow I really want such life like a lot of patient kind of person, or someone successful so became very relaxing every morning, then it cant happen in Singapore the way the design of house is, I really need to buy my own table and chairs or sofa in my room, like including a roundtable corner to eat, I really want to feel my life that's so hard to achieve.
I remember June during my birthday, Epul will visit my home to give me a computer and money, but I'm not sure if he forgotten me because it's been since N.S days, he said he treat me like a real brother, that's why he's like that to me, so I really don't know why a real brother doesn't contact me then, really bored like crazy, even Zik had forgotten me ever since he ride motorcycle, life is boring ever since he's gotten his own life/ride. Then I absolutely have no friends left other than Woodlands: Sadiq, Razli, Izzuddin then Naim joined 4 of us last time to hangout then it became the 5 of us that never contact each other is only me alone I guess, it's really crazy I have no friends at all everyone is too occupied in their own life and doctor didn't help me get my friends back telling that I am recovering soon, then still I live a life alone thinking of success, I remember about Masjid Tentera Di-Raja people telling me to belajar ugama first something like that, I really feel like doing their advises but I really don't know how now, I feel like messaging Ustaz Harun but I wonder why he don't message me anyway, maybe because he's High Status while I'm nothing and he's busy working anyway, I really need to become somebody first for support that I hope are not semangat 2-minit kind of thing.
I really imagine all my adopted family to write a blog on the same website with me then I think I will be the most adopted person in the world probably, hahaha, so many and a lot of high status, then none of them in touch with me because I have schizophrenia, I wonder what they think of me as fact.
Right now is 29 April I'm at Absolute Freedom until August, I will slowly look for jobs that I will somehow land on $1.4-$2K salary that I won't remember or know I will stay at the job, it's really crazy doctor made me so happy then I don't know what job is it, it's a mystery of my life then I just wonder if its actually just government money again and I still will be poor until August, such thing in my mind. I will be poor until August? Wow, it means that Epul won't be giving me money in June like he said, then Zik too, etc. all of them ever promised me money on my 38 years old birthday, I wonder why it's like that, why I experience feeling like "knowing future of over 10 years but don't know if it's true because it's too long over 10 years", then I still expect a happiness thing to happen and not at the same time. It's really sad nobody contact me or talk about money, do they really want me to suffer or pity me as a friend? I'll just see in 1 month+.
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