I started to remember about doctor saying I would buy "Binnilu" brand bag because it's so nice looking black and white colour, then it's a story that I am O level at that time, means I will take O level next year? I wonder such thing, it feels close, I hope it happens, I just trying to make my life feeling growth of pleasure, thinking of what doctor have said, then I still wonder about the $1400-$2000 as my first salary this year, I wonder what I will work as at that time that I would forget about money already, it's really a pleasure to remember what doctor have said especially that I will save $5K+ from 5K savings envelope, I'm really excited about my future to become someone stable in my imagination, I really hope I become someone stable faster than my imagination, it's a try to be happy kind of decisions then I just try to make myself feeling valuable person I really want my journey to be pleasant and exciting to write in journal, and my future children to see the changes in my life through journal reading, it's really important and I hope they will be able to talk to me as doctors said they will be psychics, I hope I dream of them and "have communicated" with them 1 day before I get married, I really want to be psychic in 3 years and I plan to work hard next year. Someone successful is what I want to become, not a lazy job kind of person and to work something that I will enjoy.
It looks like being a psychiatrist is easy because always the same medications: risperidone and haloperidol, if hear voices just must take more, then injection if skip medicine alot then fluoxetine 1 or 2 capsules, it looks really easy to become a psychiatrist, I really hope I get to become 1, then if suicidal feeling, to give the suicidal type of medicine, it's really easy looking at doctor working my life journey into what I am becoming in life.
I still want to pelihara pigeons like white head and brown body, more white and some black, totally white pigeon - then also I still want to make "we walk for ghost" ghost hunting adventure group to explore abandoned places, to bring my nephews and niece with lorry 1 day to feel the adventure together, it would really be a nice feeling. I also want to feel a camping trip kind of feelings, but easily like having rice and buying packets of chicken to eat nice still at camping trip, then to fish during camping trip will be a cool feeling too.
I wonder if I will get to do all these in my life, I'm so old already then I have a lot to live life like I wished and imagined, I want a happy pleasant life, like reading books in the morning drinking white coffee, I really want an American kind of house to live in. Life is really hard then I'm going to be 40 years old soon then still have no savings except the ones I currently have, it's really crazy the difficulty is a lot of pressure in life, I really don't want to feel complicated or difficult but I still feel like a weight to feel in my heart, it's totally like a lot of anger too due to my low achievement in life, I'm the lowest achievement among my family and relatives, I'm the weakest achievement too, I feel so bad in my life that I can't be a greater person than I am currently, I only seem to get better every year because of taking medications, I plan this year's journey to be successfully in taking medicine and hope the energetic feelings doesn't end, to be cured as goal.
It's reaching May but my memories are still the same, my dreams are becoming weirder and complicated to remember, like the other time I dreamt of my cousin Fidah in elevator with nenek gemok, naming herself as Phoebe("Fibi" as pronunciation), I wonder what all these means, why I dream of someone I rarely talk with? The dream is also complicated that I somehow think of them because of the dream, if not maybe I wouldn't think so much?
After Hari Raya ends I will park my bicycle back outside and hope I become a cycling person like I first planned my life to become after going out of ward, cycling as an exercise is the main goal to do. Once peha/thigh feels in pain from exercise the nice feelings in body will happen, like a lot of relaxation from resting due to tired exercising. It really takes a lot of time and effort, now Hari Raya still maybe not over then bicycle hard to take out of home because at a hard-to-get places to make house look neat.
Now it's 11.03 a.m then 2p.m I will go out of house to go Amoy Street to send back my shirt, I hope I bump into someone important but I don't think it will happen, I will have another day of meaningless life journey to send shirt as the goal to complete today, then I will feel totally rested at home, wow I like the coming feelings, I hope I will have a lot of rest like proper ones then getting myself a job and work hard for the $5K+ savings that doctor said that I will do. Wow, is life changing really this year? I really can't wait.
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