Good sleep and exciting plans

Yesterday I dreamt about eating a cake, just now I dream while sleeping I was smoking and there were so many people lying down like so many rows of bed, then people get locked at the bed like a jail each bed, weirdest dream I wonder what it means. I dream that my legs in pain then I throwing rubbish at rubbish chute, seeing my neighbour calling me as I hear my name, it's really hearing voices kind of dreams, it's weird as my neighbour never called me before.

The sleep feels enough and sleepy at the same time, worried about tomorrow if I will feel sleepy in mid afternoon.

At Spotify I cannot get the song "Ayo Bangkit" by "Bang Yan" it's weird but I have to be okay about it, there's a lot of songs anyway, it's a rap motivational song and quite happy to listen to it. I saw a TikTok Video and the song is nice but Spotify don't have all songs then I assume.

It feels heavy tomorrow to work but I regard it as a jobclub feeling hopefully I will have enough rest and smooth months at work, haha as I assume I will actually work there for months instead of days or 1 week. I'm happy how doctor said I will buy the $5K envelope savings the 1st month of working there, I hope I continue working there then, then when looking at the bright side, next year I am O level anyway, a student again, so it means I will become a better person next year onwards or what? When my healing journey will have someone supporting me about it? It's really a lonely 1 year this year and last year combined, I don't have anyone "on the same page" as me at all. It's like blindly taking medicine everyday and that's all every time, then eat whatever my mother cook or parents bought, then that's all, I don't live my life at all. Yesterday Anaqi my nephew go fishing and caught 3 fishes, it's so cool like that, luck definitely rise about getting a fish, he remind me of the days I was spiked meth, then bought long sleeve hoodie, and Adidas hoodie, even buying bicycle don't know how many times already, it's really bad my life I wasted money just like that then hope someone support my recovery by making me not waste money, but people only don't give money so I don't waste money instead maybe. Whatever it is doctor said that this year I will save $5000, then I hope it's true. I will work hard tomorrow for it, just 11a.m until 3p.m and that's all my work, I hope I don't give up and continue working there for as long as I can. I remember like I will take O level while working there it means I will take it as my part time job 1 day, I hope it's true too, or it's actually I will learn O level by myself while I still work there? It means I really become studious first before the start of O level?

The point is my life with R about to restart next year and I still don't remember where I loss memory about it, but all the 3 girls R, W, A = All I thought is a break-up. They can't be bothered to remind me what happened too bad for me. I didn't have time anyway because I kept losing my memories, I guess if any appear I just try to continue the relationship, I hope R appears sooner though because June is my birthday, then I already work as dish-collector hopefully that I will have money for myself everytime, the goal is to be stronger in money when I start O-level so I don't look poor at eyes of other students especially because of my age. The point and goal in life is not to feel so bored until self-damage myself and hope anhedonia somehow goes away so I can enjoy what I have spent on in life, the difficult road is coming to my life tomorrow onwards because it's the start of short hours of work, if I don't do well I don't know what will happen to me probably will suffer in life. Today I only smoke 3 pieces of rolled tobaccos I hope it's done for now just like that, and I hope tomorrow I don't feel the symptom but I need somebody to let me smoke anyway among the I.M.H people so I can quit cigarette smoothly and peacefully.

I remember like doctor said that I will learn Mathematics by myself or scoring 100% in O level again when I work as dish-collector, I hope it's real information from doctor even if can hear voices of Alysha, because I can hear it all the time and any time even during a conversation, so if it's something important in conversation I will remember her voices at the same time even if she is not present or around.

The war looks haven't ended as fact when someone appeared with gunshots at the event Donald Trump was around, it is assume as someone taking the reward money if get to kill Donald Trump? Means Iran's reward is being chased by people? It's a boring life, I hope my stability happens first before I start learning mathematics by myself or if really reading Yassin daily in M.R.T o.t.w to work, it's really like a changed person kind of life and I hope I gain happiness like that too anyway, I hope I will be so smart in O level that I pass with flying colours too. R will be around but then I'm not sure why she taking next year as her choice, if 38 years old I will recover I feel they should all be around to support my recovery by making me remember stuff hopefully.

My tobaccos left are so little that I think I will quit smoking soon, maybe before May even, it's really harsh but life is really like that, I have nobody that supports me except my brother's old support of $200 and $1000, I hope girls support me but I want to be someone that don't ask for financial help especially but then hope they give me a reason to take money anyway, haha, I just don't feel nice if I spend someone else's given money.

I am thinking of a lot of matter in life, I just want the recovery feelings but doctor said that if I quit smoking I will experience the journal life imagined, then it means my family will become more caring towards me but I really don't know if they will anyway, it's really harsh as I expecting a kind of care that they understand I have difficulty in life but they treat me like someone that don't have difficulty in life but someone normal health and strong, Hisyammuddin have a lot of muscles maybe that's why he's stronger in schizophrenia matters, they maybe comparing me to him I think, I really can't do anything about it.

Later I will write my journal again and finally using the 3rd page, it's hopefully something neat as I just write timestamp before writing, even if on the same line, to save pages, I hope it works nicely one day and smooth to read. I will just write tomorrow is Job Trial as dish-collector, I hope I will be fine at work. I want to check my EZ-link soon if still enough transport money to go work, it's really an exciting feeling and panic at the same time, I hope I feel excited to keep working here, like it can suddenly happen sometimes, I regard anhedonia really disturb my life a lot and really made me change feelings towards anything in life, I don't know how to counter it but just pretending happy most of the time and understanding what makes me happy as something I would do in life, I'm really excited for the day that I will learn O level while working dish-collector as story of doctor is like that. So even when R appears next year maybe our communication won't be so much due to my weakness in memory and misunderstandings created by Alysha like a copy sentence the voices I hear, I would imagine a Satan or Jinn to be saying the same thing even to confuse me but I don't believe but believe it's my memory in a different way - by voices.