I wonder what I will do next year if this year reaching June I still do not do O level mathematics first, I think I loss my vision about life to become an upgraded person became impossible, I am disallowed many matters in life because of schizophrenia, they probably treat me like a handicap person that have attitude problem so don't want me married anyway as fact, I'm so old age but they doing this to me, they let Sakinah to grow until 37 years old, and Aby until 30+ years old too, even Wahdiah grown into 37 years old, they let everyone become old, I really having a hard time about my memories I want to remember things but I just mixed up with bad or wrong information, my life really didn't grow to become a better life, it's so pathetic and I didn't grow up to become someone good at 30 years old, I'm upset despite writing blog, my parents didn't support me anything except transport money for work, they didn't want to see me grow into a happier person I guess as if I rest at sofa a lot at that time, my mother would scold me for always being at home doing nothing. I'm recovering but they expect me to be working hard already, they didn't even try for 1 year on medication focus but just made me try to live my life by myself.
I don't understand this type of care, it promoted me to feel more insanity, like they want to rage my heart, I'm so unlucky I loss so many years of a chance with a girl then they've grown old already, maybe become a flabby person already, it's really irritating how I type so long then the attention only 3 viewers, then i definitely feel demoralized about writing more, but the point is forgotten that it should be about recovery growth and Sakinah mainly.
I imagine myself remembering so many years ago 1 day 19th June or 29th June, it's really bad but life is like this, I want to remember more but it's not working manually, it takes time instead and the time is like 24 hrs each new memory, it's so bad I am remembering bad feelings ones instead of good feelings, I really don't know what to do but people just depending that I eat medicine as something that satisfies them, they should be grateful that I eat if they care, they let me suffer into a lot of thinking instead.
The Binnilu bag costs about $12+ then doctor said that I will leave the bag at 1 place for a long time until it's time to school and the bag will still look new, my memory is something like this, it's bad it means I won't go out with laptop such thing, it means I still will be poor and don't have a laptop of my own yet. I bought wired earphone because my wireless earbuds spoil on left ear one, its crazy just my first day buying that less than $10 earbud then it's spoiled already, it says waterproof but I wash with water and it spoilt instead, the wired earphone costs less than $4. The black cargo pants costs about $10 only, I really spend like this and I'm remembering myself of Aby she used to like cheap clothes for herself and always wear them nicely. I miss having feelings in life, it's been almost 1 year I loss many feelings in my life, even if I'm sad people don't care because they feel successful that I eat medicine, then they don't encourage me to take medicine correctly daily, it's really bad my life, tomorrow is May the month that I loss memory last year, so maybe it's like this, I can only remember that I quit smoking then I kept buying food until my money finishes, then I thought g.s.t money is coming every month, then June I entered I.M.H instead, I remember I was having stomach ache when they brought me there and still do such thing to me even if will pangsai, it's really crazy no chance at all, not enough time to breathe properly too.
I'm so unstable now, but luckily I have a happy point that is I no longer work, anhedonia really killed my feelings about Simba then I think I should just keep sticking to this phone line because it's actually good. I remember it will be a long time that I will use this number, my entire life as fact.
Sometimes I miss feeling the ward even if it's bad, like I did not get the chance to feel normal life like using Android at there, I wasted the entire 1.5mths with nothing and just listening to what they play on their phone including sexual sounds that's so loud even inside toilet can hear it. It feels like I ever cared for birds at there and can go out of ward many times before then suddenly decided to stay in ward, because of world war feeling, I thought everyone there "is a soldier like me(then I'm not in reality)" and we are the ones that experienced war "first hand" and refuge at I.M.H causing us to be having mental treatment is the war condition "outside"(in Singapore Public place), it's weird then theres no war at all, I wonder why schizophrenia feels this way. I'm unlucky like I'm the only mentally healthy person at ward, the rest are like obviously mentally sick, I don't have any one to talk to and no friends to communicate with, they all seem to enjoy having each other and talk a lot like all the time, I have no life instead.
There's 1 pondan that said that he will become "not as a Man" something like that, maybe he intend to become a transexual many times before then kept losing his memory then he kept forgetting to cut his penis, it's weird they are so daring, they made me imagine incest, hell imagined from gaysex(means creating hell to guys because of jealousy that they are straight and not entering hell so they rape), a lot more things then even their sister or girl appeared in a sexy wear so daring in such crazy place, I realize only I feel scared that "they get molested" while they themselves are not in fear of anything at all. They are so lucky if have a wife to visit them then even if schizophrenic they are still married first and cared of in different way, my situation nobody cares for me. My mother and sister usually bought for me redbull and Milo, then 1 time sushi, hotdog bread, etc. it's really a long time in ward and doctor didn't pity me even abit, they let me suffer in ward and I imagined their psychic stories sounded so truthful then I notice in 38 and not a psychiatrist doctor yet, means doctor said "if" or "won't" which I thought is "will", I don't know why they let me become insane in ward.
At there I thought I am right hand man secret societies of all of them I thought all of them are wanted gang leaders, my mind still like this even if I took medications, I became quite crazy even now I haven't recovered yet, I feel sad it's like this, it's like a hard feeling at inside my head now, so hopefully I'm recovering like Hisyammuddin at that time feel a hard feeling in head then he became stronger somehow, it's hard I really want to remember but I can't remember.
Right now Anaqi is having tuition and I'm reminded of doctor telling me he will be top in PSLE then I actually don't believe anymore haha, maybe it's just the voices of imagination like a type of delusion that's onto others instead.
I hope somehow my writings will be saved for my children to read, I really want them to understand me as someone weak even at this age(I will show my picture too looking strong), when I think I'm weak I feel I shouldn't have any girls at all, like a disturbance to others instead to get me the girl I want, they each don't want it to happen most probably, if not they would have offered like a blind date to go out together even, like during Lunch time, then it didn't happen, or Friday dinner, such thing, they didn't blanja me a day out with the ones I love at all. I am let be to be in pain by schizophrenia.
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