I really want to remember more of what doctor have said to me but I can't remember, I think it takes time to recall, I'm listening to music maybe the lyrics will make me recover as memorized some songs in the past? I should have done this in the past maybe but I didn't, nvm the time is now to change, hehe. I am forever a sad person I feel like that, always have something to be sad about then some people just live simply without a problem, it's harsh how I am 38 soon then still survival, but I'm reaching the age that doctor said that I will recover so it's not time to give up yet. I really need to be strong for this simple job just 4hrs 15mins daily then I can't give up just yet, it's something I must do to be stronger next year, I need to be a capable man that can care my own future children 1 day, I definitely must not make myself weaker and save money for O level, it's really a goal to do in life.
Listening to music made me feel creative about Malay language, I shouldn't have made myself stupid and not listen to songs? But days of Rasullullah s.a.w there probably no music that he listens to but he's a genius, I really don't know if I've made myself more stupid by not listening to songs. I really don't want my time wasted in life. Just 2 more days then the test of strength if I can work, the imagination or vision of doctor saying I will buy $5K envelope savings made me so happy, but luckily I didn't loss memory, but in the past if I remember maybe I would have loss my memory, it's a situation my body should loss memory but I still remember, I'm happy like I can remember Sakinah's face feature all the time despite memory loss, it's harsh but she must really make me stronger and not leave me, I read something like if never beg = doors to heaven always open, so I hope she don't create me a beggy feelings, I really don't want to beg any girls. I just feel lonely thats all, but I think its about money anyway the Hadis.
Why is it so painful, will Sakinah listen to my Music choice? Will we become okay with each other 1 day, my playlist, it's a way to get to know what kind of person I am by listening to music, I feel the imagination can happen if listen to music. I have listened to her songs even if I skip some, it feels like it's my 2nd time browsing through her playlist but I suffered memory loss it means like that, I think it takes time for my heart to relax when I discover or found anything about Sakinah, I will definitely loss memory most of the time, and end up feeling I need to search for her repetitively, it's sad my schizophrenia I don't have the time to make myself talk to her and tell her I love her many times because of memory loss, my reflex is just to shout "I love you!" like at Woodlands M.R.T it ever happened, then her answer is "Attached", it's sad it's my first time expressing to someone that I love first, then this happens, the impact is like a cassette sounds spoilt and "back to reality" thing, I want my imagination of love and happiness to come true so bad, then Sakinah didn't let it happen, she tunang with monkeyface then I'm left alone like an entire lifetime, more than 10 years? Wow it's so long and so hard but she did such thing to me. I wonder what my future children will feel if know I'm in love with someone so deeply, I really don't want them to lose the person they love too, I hope I got to know the parents of their future-spouse first 1 day, then be supportive to help them in any way I can first, it's really hard but doctors maybe won't let me know? Would they wonder why I'm so nice to them and why I believe doctor? I really hope Ustaz Harun becomes closer to me 1 day to help me about this, it's really my wish to grow to be a grandfather that I feel as something impossible due to anhedonia, I now don't fall in love easily in a strongest way, I feel nothing at girls most of the time it's really harsh, it need to start with abit of liking then pleasant feelings but anhedonia killed it all, I really feel bored easily nowadays, I don't believe if girls can fall in love with me too, I feel ugly sometimes then I lazy to shave my moustache as the feeling but to look good I need to shave, it's really bad I really became someone who don't know how to make a girl fall in love with me anymore, so I feel it's impossible to get a girl now, if Sakinah rejects me it's the end for me, my life definitely end just like that, I will become someone very holy or very alcoholic, I will work for alcohol or just read that Yassin can create happiness. The situation that Sakinah placed me is that "maybe she is married and had sex", then if matter of soulmate I would not believe such thing, then if matter of psychic doctors, they never update me about Sakinah at all, why they never comfort me that Sakinah's virginity could be taken away and I would be in panic of losing a pure love story?
I start thinking of life like "true friendships" if exist where the man dont interest to sex with friend's partner such thing, it's really hard, like love of future children's parents we don't get sexual interest too, to maintain a pure perfect love story of "family". I really want such thing and understand life as "a person can lose the girl she love to a friend" so it's hard to trust a friend, so I wonder if true friends will exist in my life, I know men by knowing myself, I want perfection of "a family" especially matter of lust and sexual interest, it's really like a nice adult thinking instead of like Ustaz that steals money, people would think an Ustaz wouldnt do such thing, I want to become a True Friend to people.
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