My previous post I feel like I have typed/written it before last year then it happened again, it's about my wish to know future-children's spouse's parents first maybe just live life as friends first, because we will become family anyway, it would be a great feeling but then I am reaching 40 years old, am I too late already as fact? It would be 70+ years old then my children will get married? Why is Sakinah being like this to me? She don't see my imagination is wanting to have babies fast so I can become a grandfather, I want to experience such life but then my mother don't mind that my life is like this, she don't care if I become not married like Bik Minah, Mak Ni and Pak Ngah, she should've spent her time getting Sakinah for me but she wouldn't, she rather I suffer being lovesick, it's harsh she really mean it as I'm 38 years old soon now.
I wonder if doctor is right that I will be saving $5K this year, the end finally for me because I would stick to 1 job only, it is dish-collector as something permanent until end of this year maybe? Why no one making me energetic about this kind of feelings like telling me a confirmation that it's true? All doctors just ignoring me about this. I'm truly energetic about such life like saving money, I have no idea to know if it's true or happening at all, it's weird my life, I hope I am successful in working life anyway, daily I would be close to City Hall at Amoy Street then I imagine a story like Sakinah would visit me, but it's 10.45a.m to 3p.m my working hours, so it means it's impossible that Sakinah would visit me, I feel so helpless, doctors didn't tell me or update me at all about her for 1+ year long maybe or easily just 10 years maybe, hahaha and I'm still hoping and wishing for her.
It's like a dying future if I can't have her, my happiness will be gone permanently then if she makes another bad decision like marriage or have a baby, I hope it don't tear up my heart again, I don't know why she got the heart to do such thing to me knowing my love expression as truth, then she still continued, maybe because doctors didn't become a matchmaker for me but a barrier that strictly disallow relationship as it's Haram in Islam, I am sad of their effort only like this until I'm turning 38 years old soon, I don't know why they don't fear she being touched by other men example, it's so stupid, my love is true but she became a dumb girl instead, I'm sad of her decision, maybe all intelligent people are dumb something, the perfection of herself not be touched or kissed just wasted away from me like that, it's something I can't recover from or forgive but then my vision or imagination is like marrying a non-virgin always angry secretly then require the comfort often from Sakinah, it's the memory of other guys in mind, it becomes like a bad relationship as fact, like only me and Sakinah exist in the world, then when thinking of reality, I will have children that will get married and then expand the family tree, my life shouldn't be so bad, my true/realistic imagination is that I won't have children at all, then just married-status just for love and sex everyday, drinking wine and beer as daily life, search for painkillers to abuse etc. I really don't know if Sakinah would love me at all but it feels like she would because I have psychic knowledge from psychic and her life will become boring without psychic information, stories will comfort our life and I really want that a lot, knowing future is strength about something to be ready about, I really hope Sakinah ask a lot of psychic question that somehow makes her interested in me a lot faster than my estimation of 40 years old marriage, it's really sad 70+ years old then grandfather? What if my children marry close to 40 years old too? I don't get to see my future grandchildren? Sakinah don't think for me at all, she maybe have no feelings for me as something true, real and fact, wow I am so stupid like when I remember she have Nur Iman at her Spotify Playlist still, means it's not finished yet their story, I'm sad she's stupid like letting other guy kissed her instead of a "soulmate-only" kind of girl, she made my imagination of her not special anymore, like she wear sporty uniform during school it's too short but she did it anyway, I really lost her daily for so many years already.
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