Today I feel bored like will I be okay the rest of the month until August? The money problem man I became is horrible the feeling like I won't get anyone to become my lover is also bad, I trying for some luck in life that someone would contact me but none did, everyone have their own mission in life, it's really complicated how my life became, will I really be learning Psychology at all? I feel like "since no contact, lose contact chances", like just deleting my blog and I become a boring life again for many times like a self-damage to myself, it's really hard but my life is really no gains really, the $311.28 earned are too little salary that I am just surviving now. I hope I have created myself a smoke-free person then nothing feels heavy anymore.
I'm thinking of what happiness I will get in life if my family all treat me the same like not giving me gains in life, Mak Ni gave me $10 and $30 vouchers, I'm so happy about it but I have to walk all the way to C.W.P to spend it on Sushi, it's really a sad life experience for me. I saw video of Ustaz telling to sujud then I remembered I used to Sujud alot then still no gains in life, in fact I quit C.o.C special limits and my mother paid $5K for the bond, it's harsh my schizophrenic life I became not gaining anything and doctor didn't stop me from losing money, it's really sad psychic maybe not psychic and everything was planned to happen, as a person's decision on a matter is always the same? I really don't know how they know things.
Lyanie's title post only have 3 viewers, then the previous post I only have 8 viewers, it's quite unsatisfaction feeling, it feels like robots only around like 3 of them at 11+p.m? Maybe I really have no readers after all.
I try to live back the exciting feelings but writing more post then I wonder I just have to pass May and June then I feel complete success then I can stop counting the number of days I've been taking medications, because 1 year is just the goal, 38 years old is the recovery then I am not told which month is it, there's 12 months to go through once I hit 38 years old and it could be late 38 years old reaching 39 years old, next year June 18?! Wow it's harsh I really want to recover but it's like this the pain.
My neighbours seem more stable and I am jealous how nice their life is even with schizophrenia they can have children while me my medicine gives me anhedonia I definitely don't feel the lust at all, I watch sexy videos like dangdut then it don't arouse me anything, it means I can't get married I think, I don't feel anything for girls, I think I'm crazy man as fact. Maybe my neighbours are only schizophrenia but if me I'm leaning towards insanity? Wow, how people are confident that we schizophrenic walk alone in life, we kept losing memories, we mistake people's face as someone else, we may accidentally talk to people, but people let us walk alone in life without care or company, it's really weird type of care, the independence is pushed like even Singapore obtained help of British before independence, I don't know why a schizophrenic is not worried of to walk alone, it's just our luck some days we are fine, for me I feel like I need a guide but my neighbours I don't know, I hope a schizophrenic male neighbour shift house to level 8 or 9 or something haha then have something to talk about, I've been living with my neighbours for so long and i think doctor said if I go to U.S.A to migrate, all my neighbours will go to U.S.A also, it's cool story, it's weird why it's like this.
Then the new schizophrenic will be my neighbour but she's a girl also(daughter of my schizophrenic neighbour), thats what doctor said, theres no male schizophrenic that I will experience that will luck into meeting doctors again and again or even a plan to care their future, I am not included in any special plans of people's life, hahaha. I'm so bored I really only want doctors for psychic stories something that can make me feel happy and achieve in life. I'm thinking of June if I will meet someone new in my life, it's really harsh people let me be alone then I have nobody, I think their thinking is I'm actually unstable to have a girlfriend? Then they actually promoted for me to be single than having someone in life? I think people feel im crazy that's why they don't search for me someone to go out with, I'm reaching 38 years old anyway, it means nobody cares that I'm alone in life?
Wow to be 39/40/41 years old, it's really hard if I get a child by then, I'm so old but doctors and my family or relatives don't mind that I have children so late in life, if I'm 50 years old then I have 1 children? Wow they're so bad to me, even my sister have babies at 30 years old I think or 31 as oldest. I feel like doing the spermbank and having my own children in a different way like if I did then Sakinah can decide to marry me and have my child? Haha. She's really becoming so old and people don't fear us dying at all, it's so sad their effort doesn't push us to be together, they let us grow old and becoming weaker in life. My sperms are psychics anyway as doctor said my future children are psychics, they will know how to hack at 6 years old from me, wow. The youngest hacker family? It's so fun I am remembering about a hacker life if it will happen, then doctor will employ 2 Alysha's ex boyfriend(maybe they broke up already, then the 2nd one is on the way?) to work for me, and they will become the top worker in my database editor job, that's what doctor said, I hope it happens soon.
I'm so sad how I lose people like they are not precious in my life, when I feel missing someone I want it to last but then it's quite scary if it became like missing Sakinah, it's so painful like the rage and everything, I remember even if I pray I was not cured or healed, I thought I'm Dajjal family instead and will win the war against Islam because I'm not an incest lineage like story of Dajjal. It's really bad I really wanted hybrid fruits to happen in life to eat them but there's no information about it at all, I wonder why people are not making hybrid fruits. If I start at 43, I plan to learn Jawi, Arab, Akhlak etc. all over again, around 42 or 43 years old, like a class to have exams, it's late but then at that age hopefully I have money to make my own fruit plantations to hybrid them so growth of fruit is 2 different sources of flavours(the stem), I really want Muslims to be "lebih untung" like story of Al-Quran but I don't mind if investors are not Muslims to also feel the fruits because they are special kind of connection like "a person that I wouldnt have sexual feelings on due to maintaining the connection/friendship". I wonder how it will all happen, I remember last time if Mango and Durian, it will become a sweeter durian, something like that, I really want the Hybrid to happen to have farm of my own.
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