Day 259 outside(307 on medications)

Don't know why yesterday I think of Lyanie, then the songs on TikTok kinda matching my feelings, I think of her daily but then yesterday was a lot.

I took my medicine around 8a.m today, I dreamt alot like cooking competition, sepak takraw where my friend kick a takraw ball from level 2 to me, it was cool, I don't know how to play takraw or timbang bola but then in the dream I was quite good, yesterday the dream I had argument with my friend and "his wife", something like understanding the pain of "being a good person is like a tied feeling", then I dreamt of Saw Puppet, the movie Saw calling it Jigsaw, it was crazy in the dream I experience like a tied feeling then my friend's wife kept crying for me to let me go and have fun in life.

I dreamt something about 7th storey cooking competition location, then that's all I think, it's a lot so these are the ones that I remember.

Lately my dreams express my heart of complicated matters and situation of my life, it ease me abit my heart felt relieved.

I'm happy now is 30th April, it's going to be month of May then it's going to be June, meeting my 1 year of medications, then the grand feeling of July, I wonder if I will feel it this year outside in Singapore, it's a grand feeling I hope I don't get warded again.

My readiness of being warded is real like I am prepared to write a blog while inside ward to be telling what I am upset about, I somehow will hate the feeling of being in ward because the boredom is like a jail feeling, maybe an American type of jail where television exist and can use phone, it's really harsh and quite crazy feelings.

I hope I don't write people's name anymore when I wrote of Lyanie yesterday I feel bad and like a psycho, I feel like I loss my memory but then it's okay maybe it's something not important, but what if it is important anyway, I can't remember what really happened between me and her she suddenly gone from my life is the point. Today I will feel like writing journal is the life I'm getting for not smoking, then I want such life of true happiness to feel like a growth in my life. It's really bad how people dont really care I don't get my Sakinah then it's really like that the reality that's inescapable, they have no same feelings of my heart then their effort is like not strong enough to make me feel special, it's really bad my health thinking of love. I read that thinking of people gives us sickness while thinking of Allah is the cure, it's really bad how Sakinah made me think of her so much without feeling guilty.