Remembering psychic stories

That I would have "quit smoking" "long time ago" 1 day that on that day doctor said that he will go fishing with me, if it's not next year it's definitely this year, long time ago? When will it be definitely not October that I will quit smoking.

Soldier job to knock at doors didn't happen, tomorrow is May and I don't think I will be working yet too.

I started on Storm King again today, I really don't know what to do to my life, I feel sad like crazy like I have nothing to do, my feelings kept thinking of girls it's so uneasy and unhealthy. I remember 1 time I was thinking of Allah then hear voices shouting "ALLAHHH!" It became heating my body and heartache instead, I was in a lot of anger and I became catatonic, schizophrenia is really crazy? I wonder how my neighbours can live their life being at home most of the time, it's so boring like dragging into insanity, I hope have male neighbour that will become schizophrenic hahaha, I really have no one to talk to, I want to become part of planning a nicer life for schizophrenic people, I wonder how my neighbours not in anger or rage from the long duration of years taking medications, it's scary as hell the long years, becoming 38 is not smooth for me now, May is a long month to wait, then I have $388+ left in bank and $15+ in wallet, it's so annoying the poor life I'm becoming, I wonder what job I will become into, it's really so long and so sad feelings, I wonder what to do daily I always TikTok then maybe now anhedonia had promoted me to not feel fun while TikToking, I becoming bored of TikTok which is supposedly impossible, I become having nothing to do, my only excitement is 11th May meeting doctor seeing a change of medicine. It's really annoying I am giving up kind of feelings.

Really don't know what to do now it's only 2.23p.m, I think I'm going insane ever since yesterday, I don't know how my neighbour cope with schizophrenia, I take medicine daily but I feel bored and it became like boring instead and a dull feeling, I realize I actually have nobody and blog is not read, I feel I should stop counting the number of days I have been taking medicine and days outside ward, maybe I will delete blog after this, not caring about future children not knowing my life other than from journal.

Turning 38 but still no recovery before it, it sucks like this.