Thursday, November 20, 2025

Ambitious Life

I Truly Want To Recover From Schizophrenia, 38 Years Old Is Really Reaching and I'm Happy About It.

I Aim To Buy 1 Anbernic Handheld Console For Life Pleasures Like Gaming, I Really Want A Gaming Life Back I Don't Think Of Anything Painful, I Am Reminded of My Break-Up From Voice Memory My Life is Like Nothing Now. 17 Years Of Harsh Pain Really From Not Taking Medications And Doctors Left Me To Try "Cleaning Training" That I Really Want To Believe Doctor. I Really Hope The Hacking Days In Life Comes Back, I Am Reminded How Doctor Saved Me From Hacking Too Much As I May Get Myself In Trouble, I'm Happy How Doctor Helped Me.

My Heart Aches In Reminded of Memory From Voices Of Past Conversation, I Really Don't Know How To Recover This Life, Like Prayers About Enemies Appear Like What's Meant for Enemy and I Prayed, Wali Allah would Believe Easily About Prayers But Me Would Be Hard Even If I Do It, I Hope Something Like Retribution or Karma Happens. I Don't Know Why I Have To Experience This Kind Of Thing In Life. Sadness Would Make Enemies Happier, I Really Can't Do Anything The Break-Up Really Happened. It's Too Late Been 17 Years Long, The Life Pleasure Been Gone By The Break-Ups, Just Too Bad For Me I Have To Fall Sick By Schizophrenia, A Reason That Got Attackers Lucky I Think.

I Don't Know How The Balasan Will Happen, I Really Have No Idea Why I Went Through Something Like This, But I Truly Hope The Heat Been From Spikes Instead of "Attacks By Statements" That Came Into My Memory From Hearing the Voices Again. It's Just Happening Again Now, I Definitely Don't Understand What Trauma Means I Hope, I Definitely Not Traumatic Too. I Wonder Why It's Like This Kind Of Life To Go Through, That I Don't Go Back Together With My Break-Ups. They Just Truly Had To Leave?

Don't Know Why Life's Like This, Life Really Been Gone For 17 Years, My Happiness if A Sadness To An Enemy, It Would Be Difficult As Have Schizophrenia. Luckily I Think And Wish/Hope The Type of Attack Statements Have Schizophrenia Too Then Understand What I Feel That Something Bad Is Really Bad, Means I Really Don't Want a Friendly Conversation With Someone Bad That I May Forget Have Ever Created An Attack Statement To Me.
So Unlucky To Be Having This Kind Of Life Experience, Nobody Helped Too, I Hope A Same Level of Pain Occurs To Attack-Statements.

I Don't Know Why Pain Of Schizophrenia Is Really Painful In Heart, Why It's This Long? I Really Eat Medicines Then I Remembered Doctors Knew Of My Pain I Will Experience Then Knew I Won't Feel Ready For Cleaning Training Then I Remembered It Would Help Get Knowledge That I Have Catatonia and it's Different Than Schizophrenia, It Would Grasp Into A New Treatment For Me That May Be Causing Sadness or Anhedonia? Does All Schizophrenia Have Catatonia and Anhedonia Then? I Hope Does Like Chicken Pox Have Rashes If Scratch? It's Definitely Different Type of Pain As 1 Sickness(Chicken Pox)?

I Need To Save Or Get A Job So I Can Live My Ambitious Life Like Buying An Anbernic Handheld Console.

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