My Mood Support Pills finished yesterday my last one and I think I'm still fine without it, maybe the growth is from taking medicine daily, that I became stronger everyday. The voices yesterday can be heard like always and I don't know how to avoid it except kept ignoring it, it's really weird to be schizophrenic and having voices in life, I wonder why they dont pity me and still tell me to work, maybe examples of other schizophrenic that successfully maintain in a job made them this way to me, it's really heavy but I have to bear with it. Now as I head to 38 years old, I really have no one to talk to, then I have no lovers to tell my problems to, people can know by reading my blog but they don't care and I still live on like this - medicine daily is the key of strength even if it's like a hiking of mountain, maybe cigarette is not the heavy bag because it's something that's bought, at mountain there's no shop, so I imagine the heavy bag is like a stone on top of me as a plant. It's maybe just the weight of schizophrenia, the feelings like that?
Whatever it is I can't think of it, it's something extra but important to have in life to understand how hard is it earning money? It's really weird how my parents don't give me money, my uncle does not live in 2-storey but have $50 to give me, then my parents don't have anything to give me, it's harsh my life it means my parents have money but just being like this to me, I wonder why it's like that too. I'm earning money soon, hopefully I can become someone useful in life, then to learn fishing 1 day too, but it's like not happening because I don't have the time for it anymore, I just want the weight feelings to go away, maybe with proper sleep, I can always be successful and finish my work daily and in May I will see the money that brings happiness into my life. Everyone work making it looks easy to earn money as fact, but I don't understand why the strictness of keeping money away from me, it's really lightness if I can just survive easily in life. If in the past I would goal to have enough money until August because receiving the $850, then it continues like that like a cycle of temporary work, I really don't want to be working temporarily but something permanent. For a new job then earning $1600 is something of a big happiness in my life, something I want to hold on to, I hope the voices doesn't create me confuse, I just need an energy to keep working, only my wallpaper is my energy of life. Goaling for Motorcycle License is another energy of life to keep working hard, I hope I can be normal like other people too.
I've eaten noodle that my mother cooked then I only worry about diarrhoea or stomach ache at workplace but I hope I can hold until the working hour is over, it's finally a feeling like I'm becoming a good man because of working, then maybe I can forget Sakinah too, my only wish in life for a safer heart, I really want to forget her because she didn't effort to contact me at all, it means my love even if will not vanish, it's something that need to go away as I'm stronger enough while being on medicine. It's sad that no one cares about my love journey and I just live on my life thinking about a love journey, only if relationship is not Haram, maybe Ustaz, Doctors and my Relatives would help in a nicer way that I like, then they only just remain as a barrier while Sakinah just didn't choose to contact my number the only way for a happiness to exist in my heart, then she can't do that. It's hard I really want to forget her but my mind and heart been created this way by Allah, there's nothing that I can do but wonder why I'm carrying so many weights in life. Maybe the stone is the lovesickness I feel, the barrier from meeting Sakinah, because the ease and sunshine(happiness) is money.
I hope Sakinah think of my pain more than my desire, she's just my wish to have in life as something permanent and lifetime wish, then she didn't effort to help cure my heart just by being around she would help cure it. I'm so sad and angry of not getting her in my life until I've grown old turning 38 years old. It's just too sad and too late, so I want to try to forget her.
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