No Life

In my mind it's too busy, schedule of "i.m.h research", jobclub and visits from nurse, I think it's schizophrenic causes the heartbeat 1 kind? I know smoking is bad in belief of doctors but people didn't die when smoking until old age, it's as fact a comfort for soldiers means it's something? Soldiers smoke during war must have a reason? In movies are believable it strengthen them into a stronger man too?

I really hope doctors won't mind in the end as it doesn't cause stupidity and strength of soldiers, it's like having a lighter and fire for enemy to feel the burning cig. as another weapon? Smoking is really something special if not it would've been banned worldwide? What's a supportive statement for me?

I truly hope I get my degree faster, at least technological degree as I can hack computer, then it will energize me to be somebody in life, like my dreams coming true to be someone in cyber security jobs? I think just now the spike haven't ended yet, can feel the pleasure of the spike, why it's this long maybe it's really 4 months until no more? What should I do just to wait and take medications I guess?

How long will someone talk to me about my stable-job chances or opportunity in my area of interest like soldier, cyber security, psychological strength status kind of jobs? How come my health will be fine by the time? Is it the recovery from schizophrenia causing ability to sleep in the afternoon or wanting to wake up later than the set timing for medications? I mean, if wanting to sleep more isn't it normal as a human?

I really feel I have no life, I think just taking medications is the true criteria needed to not be warded ever again, I will do this properly this time, "it's time for schizophrenia to end" as my energy of living life.

Then what about my interest of caring pets like Tarantula, Sugarglider, Preying Mantis, Chameleon etc., will I get to do them? Will I live like a normal human in the end? The medication stabilize me into a state that I can learn again, the ability is not destroyed and re-awaken to be a normal person.

It's like having no strength to care for cats, I want a normal confident in life, I want to care cats too as pets. It's about the confidence of throwing their manure if it's not properly done, and training for it to go toilet too. I really want to be a normal person that's successful in life. 37 years old is an old age already my life been paused so long by schizophrenia since n.s days. I want a normal strength kind of life. It's maybe another 3 or 9 months that my parents will tell me why they talk about jobs like something normal in my life when I actually haven't worked properly since after my n.s days? It's weird my memories like it's something normal to talk about too.

Is boredom in learning something as something normal to feel in life? I want to learn Iqra from YouTube is why. I imagine understanding Arabic Language at 39 years old will be enough time then, or even 38 years old? My 2nd Sister's Husband knows Arabic Language I think is cool too. Wonder what I will do in life they all just waiting for me to eat medications properly I think, if not my life repeat again? Wonder when's the time for a serious normal talk of my life that they won't bother about cig. anymore. A Level People smokes too means it's not the cause of stupidity in life.