I cant live my life properly like this, it's too boring, I didn't get to do my ambitious adventurous university days because of schizophrenia, I became a stupid N Level person in my life I've became nothing and always not healthy to work, what can I do to be healthier?
I have to wait year of medication to be healthier, today i found out I can't message (S) I wonder why, I've tried my best, it responded as "User Unavailable", weird thing on Facebook.
I think to understand life as not obtaining what we want is difficult, if I feel should try working then have jobclub to wait on, maybe they knew my normal life is not working anyway? Why can I work bigfishsmallfish at that time? It's only a fixed moments and I can't be permanent there. Life is Boring.
The people who read my blog still not telling me who they are, excluding those that my parents want to save my writings. I think I should just keep walking and walking as an exercise daily even if legs become in pain? It's the only healthy thing to do in life? I can't solat too the irritability exist, I wonder why schizophrenia is like this. I really want to solat and gain a peaceful life. I wonder why nobody cares I don't get the girl of my dreams and it's weird she's not married too, maybe truly my soulmate? She's so beautiful then not married.
What jobscope can I get as a soldier in Singapore when my health usually can't work? Schizophrenia is a burden I have to carry and the time it creates is long duration of wait for something different in life. My memory mixed maybe they didn't notice I feel I should be having life but I did not have my life.
Why in my life I don't have my soulmate to help me and rescue me from this pain, boredom and loneliness? What should I do to recover? I learn Mandarin during my free time, sometimes it just feel boring or bad to learn I pause awhile, I really want to be something else in life than the same person over and over again. I've lost everyone in my life from schizophrenic mind thinking evil stuff. People at my age are already married and have children while I'm still becoming an old man with nothing and education as just N Level.
What should I do? I will bicycle sometimes and then reach home and feeling nothing in life still. I still can't find what will cause me bicycling at night daily, it's maybe I will do 1000 arm spin, then cycle to balance for my legs to feel something? I really can't wait for jobclub to end all this waiting, the visits from i.m.h lasts 6 month, it will mean I have taken medication for 6 months, it's been only 2 months and I want to feel an end to this, my parents don't feel like an end because it's been 17-20years on repeat while me the planner of my 1 year medication feels this is an end then nothing like information what they think of my health suddenly 37years old and they talk about working? Why they don't mind I'm just N Level person? Will my brother take O Level too? If it's so boring like why not, my N.S was with my brother anyway, maybe he can gain something because of his health normal like can work everything. Mine is different I feel I can't work at all. Schizophrenia really loss ability to work too, then they don't give any insurance for this? It's weird.
I have a replay of selawat in my mind, as voices I hear happens to be that sometimes, then it's kinda peace-making too, my luck sometimes. I wonder what I can do to make psychic doctors tell me what I will be bicycling at night for 1 day? I hope it's not a last minute O Level sign-ups, then it's December to wait for? Why it's during the recovery year like fun for me? Education is like Fun when I feel like can obtain my dreams that I somehow meet people who explained schizophrenia as something that causes disability to work and learn, can this happen to me? I really want to feel how living life in u.s.a feels like, I need the strength of health first, why people rather wait for 1 year of my medications? Why it's not 3 months maybe because it ever happened 3 months that I acted like taking my medication?
Will I get my degree as I can hack? I really want this to obtain a computer job anywhere, it's been my dream, it means I'm intelligent in my view then I can recover schizophrenia in others' view then I can get my dream job as a cyber security person? Will I gain the strength to become a psychologist too? I really want to become a mind-expert and heal myself and assure people I have recovered from schizophrenia, I hope doctor helps me till this extent. Doctor as a psychic didn't tell my family I would not miss medications this time for the first time in 20 or more years?
I hope they do something to celebrate my first time not skipping medication, it's like a "finally a recovery" for me. I truly hope life really like my imagination and I will marry (S) since she looks like not married still, im definitely better looking man than her planned-to-marry. She was supposed to marry someone looking like a monkey, then I didn't believe he will enter heaven because looking like a 🐒🐵, I really feel different about him. She's not going to have a child that looks like a hybrid of a monkey is nice for me ever loving her. Whatever his name I still think it's a vocabulary "Iman", it's weird vocabulary as a name too, like will never enter heaven as disturbing my soulmate.
I definitely won't forgive someone who disturb my soulmate, it's definitely feeling like a heaven-challenge between me and him. I feel heaven is a nice goal to think about, then I have to learn Arabic and just simply read Al-Quran Daily, I wonder how I can do this, I really want to learn Arabic and hopefully becomes a peaceful person, I wonder who have time to teach me. If my 2nd Sister's Husband, I still keep imagining her 1st Husband as my family because my niece is his daughter, life's boring if it's not perfect, but if she have children with her 2nd Husband, I would believe something about Islam really let such thing to happen, then imperfection in my family? Men can marry 4 anyway as Islam is like that. Why Dina should experience imperfection? I don't like thinking of it how Dina's life maybe not perfect(broken family).
I wonder if I will learn Arab from her 2nd Husband anyway, I really want to learn Arabic, but I don't know from whom. It's just the end if I learn, not thinking about marriage maybe, that (S) just live a solo life too as a lady that didn't get married? I believe she's my soulmate somehow and I cant recover because of this. Then I miss (W) and (A) at the same time, I don't know why I have to experience this kind of feelings. Maybe I was shocked she was getting married that time then I kept losing my memory? A shock creates loss of memory?
If from psychic dream-or-reality I really will have at least 5 children with (S), I really hope it's true, how will this happen I don't know. I know her as My Kindergarten Dancing Partner that's all. Means I'm actually abit psychic knowing my Soulmate is (S)? Means I will become a Psychologist? I hope it happens like that, I want to be somebody in life.
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