Today go home in the morning from Batam, I really feel bored I then remembered I ever told my mother if going Batam I'm not going because of a regretful feeling, then she didn't remind me and I have gone there anyway, it's nice food anyway so I hope there's nothing to regret about.
I'm going to post some pictures and video of my mother at Jawa today:
It's just to show (S), it's like a repeat of last year when she was at Jawa, I wonder why they do such repetitions to make me feel weird.
At the moment I hope (S) misses me and go through life keeps thinking of me to be her lover, I really don't know how to get her anymore other than story of Jobclub is I will meet her again if I follow the O.T or Doctor's choice of work. I really hope to be her boyfriend and husband at the same time, why did she not feel anything special from me at all, all the psychological support from my doctors that I requested doctor to give her, for her to be stronger in life, it's like meaningless to her?
I wonder how, I remembered doctor told me if she idea of leaving me completely a feeling like a quick item rushes to her face will happen a lot of times to remind her that if rejecting me may cause her face accident and unrecognizable, then I believe she will become a penyihir if have child with other guys, it's weird but I believe existence of Psychic, Wali Allah then Black Magician too. It's not a tactic to get her but if Wali Allah exist, I really hope she becomes my enemy if never going to be with me in this World. I really ambitious to see her and be with her in heaven and hopeful she remembers I was the one that claim not "All Muhammad Are Nice", then "Muhammad Nur Iman" is/was her tunang, then An NSF Police Named as "Muhammad" pays teenage boys for s*x. Means I was right before this even happens. I definitely believe "Muhammad Nur Iman" will enter Hell because he looks like a Monkey, even if Doctor said his son will become Wali Allah.
I think everyone will really want to become Wali Allah. I just feel sad that if small girl(Alisha) was not around in my conversation with her, maybe I didn't lose contact with her and have gotten her number, I really lost her at 1st day of seeing her long since Primary 5 Hari Raya, still considered like since kindergarten days.
Sad how she didn't feel guilty or let the flow be losing (S) in my life, it was 1 moment of getting her phone number, it was definitely special day, as it's been so long I've been searching for her since primary school walking outside her school looking at her school(I assume as Damai Pri).
Why is my life like this getting to know Alisha that grows up interfering my relationship stories and it really ended since 17 and 20 years old, I'm 37 years old now, it's really 20 and 17 years long, I really lost contact with the girls and everyone because my mind was messed up. Too bad also that I discovered I have no friends.
Will (S) contact me soon, it's soon 2026, a new year a new life goal. I definitely unable to quit smoking too anyway, my body suddenly felt heavy and slow when I started smoking again.
(S) why is it taking you so long to respond me? Why are you being just a reader and normal and okay about it? Why even if I felt and told you that you're my soulmate, you still go ahead and tunang with "Muhammad Nur Iman"? I knew in the end because of "Alisha" I may give up and create an enemy with you like m*sturbating imagining your mother could've happened to have a reason to reject occurrence of friendship in my life with you, I still remember your mother in Primary 5, I don't know why I wrote this way, I just want to believe about Heaven is only 1 path in life, by being a true muslim and if I do that, it's either you or me will be going to Hell.
Why are you ignoring me and continuously let me feel this way? It's around 6 months to go until I recover but doctor didn't tell me if it's close to 39 years old or not. I'm sad you didn't effort to get in touch with me and/or assume doctor will give me your number. I hope you respond to me somehow as doctors never talked to me about you at all ever since O.C.B.C hacking, doctors let me kept thinking of you and just looks as if forgetting about my love for you.
Next year is coming in 16 days, then I maybe would be learning Car License from my brother if he remembers, it's going to be a different life, but Jobclub still makes me think "if it's happening", like to work at Popeyes for 3 years is it a reality? I suddenly have so much strength to work at Popeyes? Is (S) okay that I became a nobody even with Hacker Skills, then just a fastfood worker? I really don't care I know to try for the girl my heart wishes for is what I did already then it's up until 10 years+ she didn't get in contact with me? Is it because of 38 years old I will be working as Hacker for O.C.B.C and will meet her again anyway?
There's really still no Soldier Job knocking door to question if want to become a Soldier of country, why is it like this? Is it June next year or December next year? It's so long my life.
Today I spent $20+ buying cig., redbull, small bottle peach tea and chicken chop with tomato rice, remembering Abit of my goal in life is to have a set of healthy babies in future, why am I at effort on this alone? Why my family don't care about me too? Why (S) leaving me alone about this? I really want to grow old with (S).
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