How Does Doctors Knows As Psychic, I Really Can't Work Chocolate Factory Job Even if It's My Desire, Because They Require Safety Boots, I Don't Know Why As A Normal Man I Can't Wear Safety Boots, It Will Be Painful for Me and Have Blisters, Why Is It Like That? I Really Want The Job Then I Can't Have A Nice-to-Wear Safety Boot.
I Don't Know If I'm Really Becoming A Popeyes Type of Man, I Just Noticed/Realized The Energy to Work and Not Work Can Suddenly Happen To Me, Is It Catatonia? Is it Anhedonia? I Feel I Should Learn Mandarin Language While Writing This, It's 30 Mins Only But The Boredom is Real, I Don't Know Why I Can Be Not Fit About It, I Wonder What Doctors Would Do Why They Don't Mind If I Don't Learn?
I'm Really Only Having Energy For (S), But I Just Write Her Name As I Remembered We Have Talked, I Hope It's Not Troublesome For Her, I Think She Would Like To Edit Her Name I Think, But No Repeat Readers Of My Post Maybe I Will Still Wonder Why Sometimes The Numbers of People Sometimes Not, What is The Point In Making Such Feelings For Me?
It's Weird I Have No Contact With Anyone But Nobody Really Cares About It That I Have No Friends. My Age Already 37 And Have No Friends Isn't It Bad? How Far Will (S) Be From Me Anyway? I really feel lonely in life. I really don't know why nobody update or try get her for me, she's just left into working at O.C.B.C for so many years, then I didn't have a chance to meet her or talk to her, no numbers but psychic have her number I think, but really they are not letting me contact her isn't it like I'm crazy "is why"? But I remembered they wanted me to be their Son, can't be that they think I'm crazy then "wanting a girl", so cannot "because crazy".
It's sad like Schizophrenic moments I write like this, I really have no choice, my feelings really need to be known, it's weird if someone knows then still life continuous to be this difficult, then it's bad I would feel more like an Orphan if they ignore me or feel neglected. Visits in I.M.H are like Schedules anyway, they really just have to come 1 day, but then my niece Dina came too to visit me, then I think they actually care. I wonder what would happen to them when their Turn to Schizophrenia, I really don't want to revenge as it's too painful already hard to move then "not receiving money support". I hate how life I kept thinking of money - is there other job other than Popeyes that I can Stick On? I really hope for the Popeyes Job to start soon but I have to be patient again, but then I remember I'm not really fit sometimes, even the arm pain is quite sudden and like on purpose as it happened before.
Why aren't my family creating a business after so long? I really want to earn easily, why is life this difficult? Can't I resell items to buy at Shopee or Lazada even? People actually can buy themselves? When will doctors support my ambition to be a businessman(to guide me awhile as he's psychic) that I will do myself. I really want to sell Portable Ashtrays, imagine if I had it I didn't have to feel panic or stress about the Ashes.
2026 is close:
I still have no license, my bedroom is empty like just hanging place and bookshelf as almari baju, Iqra learning days are coming closer, I don't know when I will feel stronger to be a special smoker, if I don't smoke my head feels like shaking or earthquake many times, doctor is understanding about smoking I remember 1 time I kept smoking and he bought me a cigarette 1 box, but is it my memory loss or not or it's a dream? It seems like a dream if they didn't like me to think of it they really won't tell me if they would be nice to me or not. I remember going to I.M.H was because of smoking too, like a penalty to pay because it should've been summon - smoking in front of Camera, then alternatively just enter I.M.H for 2 days. I wonder if my brother remember about License he ever wanted to Sponsor me before too.
My Writings keeps getting longer and I'm quite satisfied I have something to write each time, but at this age 37 I'm blogging, if I don't blog I don't know how to tell people what I feel because need to talk a lot. Blogging proves I have nobody and this kind of life is the best they can give and I can't do anything about it.
I wonder what I'm going to do until night time today, sometimes my brain is just "sucky feelings", it's maybe really Catatonia then I remembered I'm waiting for "Mood Support Pills", I definitely will be fine once I got the pills! Wow. Sudden happiness is like that I forgot what I will have then it's a bad sadness like feeling nothing in life.
I wonder when's my family life going to be different, like we go shopping centres more, even go Sentosa, my parents are old then they still just work and stay at home while my mother keeps going to see my grandmother at Choa Chu Kang, if I'm in touch with (S) definitely I want to go My grandmother's house to meet (S) too, life definitely will be happier for me. I don't know why my life sucks - it's like Nothing, then No Love Life, if want Love Life need money but Schizophrenia create hard to work from Catatonia then no money to go out with (S) anyway but luckily she's a busy lady. Why my parents let the idea of me being a man of status as "no money" like a useless person? I really feel helpless then I don't feel like revenging during their turn to experience Schizophrenia, they will feel helpless about something too.
I feel like asking my Father for Driving License but then I would want Motorcycle License too, like I would plan about cheap first, but then they maybe have money anyway but I have to judge life as their lies of having no money, I don't know why they're like this to me, I heard it's actually to save-up if there's a sudden cure of Schizophrenia, kind of thing. Will there really be such thing? Aren't I recovering already and I should be trying to have life? They let me bored but if I think of (S), she's a working life while caring niece on weekends means not having life too, but I remember she ever have boyfriend, even if I don't know about now, my attempt causes her to shut herself from me, I really feel sad and wonder why I think of all the stuff she said to me in M.R.T, why can't I just forget her, does she really knows it's not my fault for loving her? I really hope and wish I'm a family man and married with children too, but then why she can't think she's beautiful then if no children yet could really be mine? My effort for a beautiful girl in love for 31 years, then the girl being so beautiful is still not having a family yet, doesn't it make sense she's really my soulmate? Why a soulmate takes so long, why the reason of Mastermind easily becomes used up? What if she really don't care as she was ever engaged anyway?
I feel like saving up and going out at the same time, I'm bored to max. (S) have niece to play with, free time every weekend, but me have boredom and loneliness being felt daily. I think I'm stuffing myself prata cheese like angry feelings too right now.
Happiness like obtained by forgetting sadness, then comfort after obtaining back memory(I've done what I should - I told [S] I Love Her Since Kindergarten in M.R.T) that I have tried before but still she was ever engaged after that situation, I really have no path in life she don't care at all, isn't ignoring me means she actually don't care about me? Then why would she keep a lot of matters from me? My expression for Hacking for Her To Get Her Job In O.C.B.C, isn't it an effort for her happiness? She won't get the job if I don't exist anyway. Then its like I'm asking her to repay me by being in relationship with me? Didn't I support her psychologically by giving my psychic doctors time for her instead of me? Don't she know she would suffer while I suffer in doing that for her? Isn't it meant to be sincere then if she feel bad and be with me still an advantage for me to get her? Why is her gratefulness only like this? Is it really matter of Mastermind that she don't want to talk about but Decided my life this way, but then she was ever engaged anyway when she decided my life, but makes me berangan when she talk of Nike Coloured Long sleeve, Adidas Hoodie, X and Wassup Hoodie to wear the same with me when going out with me? Also telling me she will visit me at Popeyes when I work at Popeyes, she didn't think I want to work anywhere really just for the moment to meet her? She let me be or not? I don't know why nobody effort in a way that I know too.
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