If I Cook Roti Telur, I Like To Mix Boiled Water and Sugar then Spoon Spread It On Roti Telur, the Roti Telur Will Become Tastier To Eat. If Too Hungry I Will Still Forget It or Just Mix With Salt And Fry Roti Telur.
Today Definitely (S) With Niece, And Too Occupied Unable To Entertain Me In Life Even After So Many Years, Maybe It's Her First Baby Niece That's Why She's Spending Time Fully On Her, She Maybe Never Live With Babies Before In The Past, I've Been Spending Time With Baby Since 8 Years Old, My Nephew Jafni.
I Was Disallowed to Spend Time With My Nephews That's My First Sister's Children Because I Am Schizophrenic, I Think She Worry I Accident Or Something. I Don't Understand Why They Would Be Angry At Me During My Schizophrenic Days When Actually Neighbour's Small Girl Alisha Was The One That Did That To Me, It's Maybe I'm Hard to Shower Sometimes, My Body Feels Hot and Cold and Unstable, I Truly Needed Hot Water and If Cold Water I Would Fall, In The Past There Were No Hot Water Shower. I Lost My Balance During My Schizophrenic Days, I See A lot Of Black Lines, I Imagine Smoke Like Naruto Shippuden Sasuke Black Aura Thing, I Thought Is Black Magic. I Saw Lines and Like Stars Sometimes When In Daze. Many Times I Thought Malaikat Is Nearby Me When I Zikir In The Past. The Zikir Didn't Work As I Keep Hearing Voices of Small Girl, I Don't Know But I Still Just Believe in Zikir More Than Dua.
I Don't Know What Doctors Would Say.
Schizophrenia Really Made Me Feel A Power Exist Like Black Magic, White Magic, Malaikat and Allah's Dreams. I Don't Know Why It's Like That. I'm Still Angry At Small Girl Because Of Me Wasting Money To Johor As She Lied "Have Wali Songo There" I Can Achieve Instant Recovery, I Definitely Would Chase, Schizophrenic Believe Easily When Too Much In Physical Pain(Hotness).
During My Schizophrenic Days I Forgot Psychic Exist, I Truly Forgot About Doctors Existence And Only Remember My Bad Days At I.M.H That's Different Ward Than 35A, 35A Is The Best Ward I Ever Experienced, Others Disallow Usage of Phones, Even Going To Bed And Eating Place have a Locking Mechanism Door, It Was Bad It Felt Like Prison, I Kept Walking Around In Pain(Physical But Schizophrenia is Odd), Like a Baby Speed, So Slow. I Think I Kept Spitting The Medicines Away Maybe Is Why It Was Hot Like Crazy?
I'm Definitely Still Worried About The Ashes and After Saying 35A as The Best Ward Experience, What If They Decide To Create Bad Experience To Me? I Really Didn't Manage To Stop Smoking, Or Hide From My Parents Then, But I Thought They Knew, Since My First Some Days Outside Ward, Cigarette Box Was Just At The Shelf But Maybe My Mother Didn't Notice When She Massage My Head.
It's Day 115 Outside Ward On Medication And +47(In Ward) = 162 Days On Medications Now.
I Feel Great If Doctors Can Handle The Problem of My Arm Pain From Injection I Truly Want To Continue This Medication and Not Change It.
I Feel Great How 21 More Days Is Half A Year Done From Medicine and Truly Hope My Family Starts Giving Me Money On January. I Really Don't Want To Suffer In My Life. My Family Are Going to K.L In January and I Will Be Alone Again With My Brother and Nephew.
I've Settled My Future Of Simba Line with $50 Top-up and Feel Complete About It, Buying T-Shirts and Mood Support Pills Will Definitely Be Good For Me, I Just Need Continuous Money For Mood Support Pills, I Just Want To Play Games Again As Normal Addiction To Live On.
Simba Truly Made Me Feel Complete in Life, Just 7 More Days And It's A Reset and I Still Haven't Spent A lot Of My Data: 236MB/400GB, I Really Wanted To Go Out With December $600 Assurance Package Money But It's Like This, I Really Have To Save. I Will Top-Up My EZ-Link Around $30 or $50 Then I Totally Feel Complete About My Life Then Worry About Money Again If It Will Finish, My Life's Bad Stress And Made Difficult On Purpose By My Family(About Money). I Don't Know Why They Think It's Normal To Not Go Out To Places Maybe Because I Used To Game A lot At Home Last Time?
The Independence Needed Even If Schizophrenia is Bad, I Don't Know Why Government Will Create More Support Feeling Than Family, It's Weird But My Normal Family Decision is Truly Like This.
In Future I Truly Will Treat My Future Children Differently, I Don't Want Them Stress of Money At All, I Want An Easy Life For Them, I Understand the Pain I've Gone Through, But Then I Remembered Doctor Said My Family Will Experience Schizophrenia Also, Then I Really Don't Want To Revenge On Them For The Difficulty(Catatonia Makes Body Hard To Move But They Want Me To Work, I Definitely Will Be Tired More Easily) They Made My Heart Burn Demanding To Work and Like Tipped Small Girl To Say Evil Things To Me Like Copy Their Statement As Long As My Heart Aches. I Really Don't Want My Family To Ache My Heart or Create Me Mentally Unstable, Don't Know When They Will Reach This Level of Understanding.
I Know 38 Years Old Family Told Of Stories I Will Receive Money, But Why They Can't/Won't Give Me Earlier? It's Really To Survive Any Bad Feelings In Life, But Then Doctors Didn't Help Too About Telling Them To Give Me Money. I truly don't want a Beggar Feeling. But Story of Rasullullah s.a.w is: A lot of Poor People are Seen In Heaven, Then I Have To Be Like This? My Family are maybe Rich then I'm the Only Schizophrenia-Made-Independent Despite My Sickness And Understand Poor Life More Than All Of Them? They Definitely Maybe Will Compare Me To Palestine, Palestine People Are Still Fatter(More Weight) Than Me Nowadays. I Just Don't Want To Grow Fat Too.
I Hope Mood Support Pills Will Bring Back My Addiction to Gaming, I Truly Want To Feel The Energy Then Sleep Peacefully Again(Because of the Pills), I Don't Like Waking Up To Voices of Small Girl. Just Now I Woke Up To Voice of My Father When He's Not Around, Schizophrenia Really Makes Hear Voices of The Past(Memories), Then The Angry Thing is "Don't Remember the Past" Like I Don't Want a Memory Rushback To Me? But To Take It As "Just to Forget It" Could Be What They Actually Meant Then Just Decided That Statement Instead.
Lonely Life Today, Still Only 9.39A.M Now, and Voices Of Memories Not Ending Yet.
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