I feel weird how the Bills of I.M.H is at the table when I comment at Zoe Lim's TikTok about parents not giving money because maybe saving up for the cure of schizophrenia like a sudden high price of it. I really don't know the reason too, maybe parents of schizophrenic are instructed by doctors to not give money. I still can't figure it out too, I remember trying to achieve life at N level they still don't give me more money.
I am still not comforted by the door knocks at that time, I have a feeling like today or tomorrow is the day then, even Friday, but I really hope no visits at all so I can be more peaceful next week.
I plan to spend on books instead of cigarette this time, then start learning/studying on my own, it's really a tough journey this life, if expenses are limited all I can do is just cut whatever from my life, it's really sad how I can't get my version of normal life but to experience others' view of a normal life.
Today I hear voices that is a past conversation if attacks from Alysha, after she use something to make her voice big and manly, she wait for "A'uzubillah himinasyaitan Nirajim" then suddenly quiet her manly voice, it gives me sudden peace and like a healing and recovery to my body, then she continued to use the big and manly voice to give me heartache, saying the same "A'uzubillah" etc. after pretending as Satan and "Satan fear and ran away" so the voices became quiet, then she attack with the same manly voice saying "what cause the Satan to fear", what a crazy small girl. I think if she's crazy+schizophrenic maybe is her real diagnosis. I remember she saying she spoilt the computer so I became to wonder if it's true, because computer really spoilt, then I can't do anything about it but just believe it as not true as its maybe a coincidence of what she said.
I can't believe nobody help me to sue her after I experienced so much pain from her mouth that goes crazy when I found out about her bullying to toddler(Dina at that time), it's really madness nobody cares to sue her, it would have increased the ease in life and life would be better, it's like I have $3000 during my childhood until 16, maybe she have the same amount as fact or more/less, she can actually pay up. She got the chance to experience a love story instead and entered university, it's really bad, Dina was someone that kept crying most of the time at that age whenever "play with Alysha", it's stupid how they treat us, then Alysha kept receiving $10 from my father, I began to understand things like "my parents really don't know how to care their own children", because I didn't receive money at all. It's really bad my life experience, the torture is real, they rather make lightness for someone else's family than their own, and as a child receiving $10 is a lot. It's really crazy at that time, then it promoted like the Alysha can call me "jealous" instead, so I think they really don't know how to care their children, maybe my 2nd sister's ex-husband is right after all.
I'm so unhappy today early morning woken up by voices of Alysha "welcoming the day", it's really sad my life I really take medicine daily and then it's like this. I don't understand why nobody sued her and let her have a life instead.
My life would be more ease with money, I would be studying earlier than I planned(August: Money from government), I maybe would have a higher healthier life faster anyway. I'm just so sad and going crazy how difficult my parents put me through even when I'm reaching 38 years old, I'm so old then they don't support my life desire like going out to places to search for Sakinah, there's a lot of stuff that I usually forgot, like the points of my anger are correct and real and not made up.
It's a wake-up from anger by Alysha's voice then anger from thinking of my parents and Sakinah, my parents usually give me anger in my heart, I'm so unlucky in life, don't know what's their motive or goal of giving me no amount of money, just surviving life like this.
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