Not Confident

Feeling like I will just pass or fail my O level if I take it, it's okay as Aqmar my nephew will take O level next year then maybe he can become psychologist/psychiatrist for me instead, the key is to know the reason of my 2nd sister's divorce then to feel if it's worth it that she married another one but then it feels like it's maybe worth it as she's smart but I'm not sure how I can recover from "If Dina have 2 half-siblings" family, it's really like a fake pleasure but I don't know, I wish family matters are smooth, the point of becoming a psychiatrist/psychologist is to know the reason of their fight but then doctors knew but seem to be okay about it so I believe it's reasonable, it's been so long then this year I totally remember they divorce while other years or even last year I loss memory that they divorce, I just can't accept a break-up as part of family's plan or idea of happiness, it makes like they won't care about Sakinah as well as "just divorce" like it's a game choice selection as life pathway like the game "Game of Life". They made me think that they won't try get Sakinah for me, it's really crazy I remember I'm turning 38 then they still treat me like this, they really let me feel tortured and suffer instead of thinking of "a wife that I want" for me then they still live their life daily without efforts. Means they don't care about Shahridah and Wahdiah too, if Ustaz said that "jodoh kene usaha" then they risking the girls as fact.

I really don't know what to do, I don't know how to get a girl and I don't want my life lonely until old age, I really want to become a grandparent. The sadness that I feel doesn't lead to cries but it's true a disappointing feeling about their choice and decision, I have no one that choose to side my life to get what I desire and this happens to me instead going the flow of life that's choice and decision of family members. Isn't family members' decision as something bad? Like my 2nd sister and brother can divorce, then it's bad - only my 1st sister is living up the family bond type that I imagine, it's okay if I can't do such happiness with a girl but then luckily it happens within my family.

I don't understand why they don't think of the idea of 2 half-siblings family for a kid is something not perfect, the mother will follow the father to heaven or the father will follow the mother to heaven? Is it really okay like Rasullullah s.a.w married Janda, we know that the wife will follow the man, then it means my 2nd sister is a different "under" now then Dina will be fine about it? I really don't know what they plan in life, I just want Dina's life to look perfect, if somehow there's a non-scar-able method to my mind that the family remains perfect, then it's okay I guess, I really need to strengthen my mind and become a psychologist/psychiatrist then I guess, it's too hard to understand the love story, but I guess its like Wahdiah is fine so I guess its nothing, it's not like I won't want to marry Wahdiah anyway. Just dont know if she wants me thats all.

I'm bored like sad of the pleasure and vision of happiness in the family, they divorce means it's hard to believe they care about me, but my brother made it believable when he gave me $1K, who would give so much money but I guess it's someone who cares then. His understanding of survival is more real I guess that matches my needs in life to be supported. My 2nd sister no longer gives me money monthly then my 1st sister been busy with her family, I really thought all of them will be giving me money in the 6th month of medications due to Alysha, but I guess doctors had psycho them to not help or support me because "ade rezeki masing2" assuming all doctors' decision and choice as the same as they're just expert medically not by knowing how to increase happiness of a person, the point of life is happiness, family is supposed to be "happiness", maybe we need to understand that my 2nd sister's current husband is better than her ex-husband as works in Makkah, but then I really don't know, her ex-husband became a businessman he kept his words when Dina was a baby and really became a businessman. I just hope my 2nd sister grow to become a happy family despite their type of care is "not giving me money" too.

They don't understand a schizophrenic as someone difficult to work but just attitude problem, they don't measure that I may have a sick baby it means somewhere it's physically painful in my body like I thought I have cancer, it's hard to work but they don't care and still treat like life is normal this way, especially to let me anticipate demands of going to work, it's really harsh and heavy for me but they let their personality or character be anticipated like that, it means I feel that they don't know how to care a person like my mother neglected Dina and she been bullied a lot by Alysha when toddler age, then it's advantage of the enemy(Alysha) as my father gives her $10/day. I feel my parents are stupid in their care. I'm sad that no Ustaz interfere and help me that I may be right.

I hope a rich person helps me out like set-up a nice counsellor that will side me and talk to my family for me. I am definitely eyeing for happiness in my family despite their treatment, for example my 2nd sister was a police that's warrant officer as rank then didn't give me money monthly to support me, means their way of care is bad then it means it's good that she quit Law, but I don't know if Yellow Ribbon Industries is still a police as status. I hope someone appear like an angel that comes and goes to help me, my level of pain and feeling tortured definitely need an angel level of help. It's really tough.