I'm still shocked how it's becoming 1 year then people let me live on alone like this, they don't try to let me get my friends back then my mother blame me instead for my attitude during schizophrenia, she don't blame schizophrenia at all is the weird thing, I'm always made to feel bad from my mother if she comment or demand anything, it's all negative if about me, I'm the lazy person instead of schizophrenia. I remember I will shout "sebab schizophrenia!" whenever she keep blaming me stuff for the bad outcome in my life, like I never work for so long, she blame me instead of my sickness, it's really bad their care is painful to heart and kinda like a torture I have to always endure.
The imagination of no understanding makes the pain deeper and more painful like imagining the duration it will remain like this, I have no counsellor at all to help me, all because of cigarette, it's really sad and disappointing, they didn't cover to help me at all, means I'm not sheltered from pain of imagining my mother's words then if Alysha was to demand or command expression at that time making me hear her voices instead most of the time. I'm so unlucky in life, then people are okay my life being useless and meaningless like this.
I can't explore "the world" always stuck at home, daily just eating, and anticipating my mother commanding to Solat, work, it all makes pain then when she spoke it, it pains me even more, I'm so unlucky hearing the voices, anticipating and listening it all over again from my mother.
I told her my friends told me they want to give me money but she speak common sense like kena kerja, it's always the same answer from me, but I think my mother gives me mental problem, it's like as if I can rely on my friends' money to live my life, it's so bad my mother's care.
My father injured his tiny finger during shipwork last time and jari putus then I wonder if I will take care of myself better, it's like something bad anticipated to happen to me especially if I imagine someone psycho a counsellor to not help me due to buying cigarettes, it's really bad their mouth need to go to jail or experience a mental attack. Here I feel so helpless then a counsellor doesn't help just because of cigarette, a cheap stuff.
I really feel like I'm deadmeat as I hear such voices then they really making me endure all the pain and cravings for cigarette for real instead of being nicer to me, they not giving in by helping me secretly despite the rules of counselling "no smoking at all". I feel so helpless and hopeless, I have to endure the days feeling pain from my mother even if I have achieved a restful life already, it's so sad.
Anyway today there's no main page viewing to my blog, I assume it's meant to be like that as the reality and only my Facebook is followed strongly by someone or a group of people, I'm sad how the girls didn't contact me until today as anticipate I will feel pain and remember painful things if they contact me too early, that's what probably doctor said but it's too much if doctor is the one causing the never-return relationship, I have no help from their bad care at all. Nobody just support me like government support with CDC voucher and money in August except my brother.
I wonder if I can survive until December this bad life journey, I'm so dead is all I can say, I hope someone bring me back to life.
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