Schizophrenic actions

Don't know why i joined a lot of Woodwork Group, was thinking of easy money during my Schizophrenic Moments, it's hard 17years maybe nobody to talk with then suddenly my mind like active on life again then I became like shameless about money(I tell I have no money), it's hard to live life normally. I left a lot of groups that I joined when schizophrenic, I was even thinking a lot of efforts are mine maybe because of my dreams mix-up reality. I can't live my life alone I guess I need somebody but I can't find anyone with the current applications, I think of giving up my life, I want to improve my life too. I wonder how people get married if at this age, to know someone takes time, to fall in love then to date, I'm already too old it's better my past as for my future if they are not married I think.

I can't become strong in life that I hide from (A) that I feel this way, I feel weak. I wouldn't ask (A) to repay me anything too. Why someone can lose ability to learn because of continuous memory loss that I think (A) knew but did not talk of it much or I forgot I have such experiences? It's maybe more than 20 years as the fact, anhedonia and schizophrenia keeps repeating in my life stories, I'm the only one who cares about me? I don't know how I will recover but I think I want to up my education path and become someone mentally stronger. Psychology definitely something. I.T makes someone looks more intelligent it definitely helps against schizophrenia. Can I do it? Can I get myself a Degree even in life? It's the normality of life. People go to school, to study until degree then work, will doctors help me about this? I hope doctors help me. But both been my interest anyway, I find handling insane people as a cool skill, and computer always been fascinating to me. It's something smart then I am just being ambitious, is it mild schizophrenia I wrote this way? Or I am getting better, the voices didn't appear It feels like a split-memory keeps continuing to happen to me, it's like the voice-statement been my own creations or thoughts that became voices too, why do I experience this with nobody to talk to? If nurses only would talk of work, then I assume jobclub as another topic to rest on, I must do this, I must recover from schizophrenia, I can't let myself continue to suffer.

Being lonely or alone are many people's life experience, I will be fine somehow? It's weird people grow up educating themselves then get a lover and married while my life is like this, do more jealous people that is more unlucky want my life bad and successfully occur to me? They don't like me in a relationship with anyone maybe true? What can I do to improve life? I've gotten my Thrasher Pants and Adidas Hoodie, I definitely will go out a lot more but for how long will I be okay? It's going to be the start of psychic truth that I will be outdoor a lot at night with my Adidas Hoodie, I wonder how and what I would do, won't psychic just tell me what I would do as have such time outside? I now feel like sticking to jobclub and focus on medication alone, ignoring other tries of normal jobs as I haven't been working more than 15+years?