Thinking of My Past

I truly feels like 20+ years old instead of my age 37 years old, I kept forgetting I'm so old already then will miss living life, I feel like wasting time at home as to live a proper life I need to work. I feel like working the night job at woodlands but jobclub is more comforting I think, morning as the choice and decision of doctor should be the best. The training to wake-up early or to sleep maybe causing jobclub so early at 8.30am.

I feel wasting my life experiences 😭, 😞 it's sad how I have to live my life forgetting for 15+years then living on again.

It feels like Epul still reads me, it's like he called before when I was in Batam at 36years old. It's like borrowing his friends if he contact me again, my life is boring, I remember he planned about R.T.S Link to go Johor with me I wonder if true he will want to do such things.

The loneliness just got me writing of my memories, how I remember Epul anyway of all guys? It's because he promise to meet me at 38 years old, he feels he should give me something. This reminds me of my B.M.C friend too, I wonder if they will call me at 38 years old as promised, it's because my Recovery Age is 38 years old said by doctors(that's psychic). Means I'm reminded into confidence that I will be recovering from Schizophrenia and I'm happy.

The memory is fresh like this because I think I'm young age and loss memory all the way after B.M.C(in N.S Onwards), it's so long why I have to experience this?

I wonder who reads anyway because it's repetitive if I write it's always about me thinking I've loss my normal life experiences like I did not get to enjoy at 20+years old going vacations and even anhedonia makes me reject joining a vacation trip to Bali or Bintan. I wonder why anhedonia is stronger, my schizophrenic life I kept missing life fun experiences. They still feel normal while I feel hot temperature.

I hope my ex message me again at 38 years old, I don't know why this kind of things happens in my life, it's all because of Schizophrenia, it made me lose my happiness and happy moments, I feel wasted life became a friendly-answer like "they think I'm normal" could be knowing it's not normal to lose memory then just being friendly to me. I wish they become more honest so I know what's happening to me, it feels like knowing someone else maybe? If psychic is true that (W) will become schizophrenic too, I am lucky at the same time as she will understand I've been telling the truth immediately, schizophrenia is hard to believe I think then she will know the pain. My doctor is psychic I definitely will care (W) if she experienced the same as me 1 day about understanding it's weird "voices exist". I wonder when though, I know I will want to know.

Then what's interesting is (W)'s ex and (A)'s ex will die from Cancer as the mix-reality or dream story of my psychic doctor, I don't know why it's like that. The highest experiences after me of their ex, dying of Cancer 1 day as the psychic knowledge told to me. I definitely will feel special.

I hope they contact me when I'm 38 years old causing my happiness at that age then? It's no hope to know what can create me happy at this age, I'm still clueless what to do for happiness. I know I will exercise to maintain mindset of Fixing Mind, Body and Wallet. Just now was considered as Exercising Too.