Can't Get My Life Normal

Today I don't feel fine, the spikes became alive I think then I was not able to sleep well.

I've been thinking of Sakinah how 17 years apart from me is fine with her does she know I don't remember her at that time until this month? When I posted my number I haven't remembered I have ever talked to Sakinah.

Why my family is not getting her for me? Is life really okay like this?

They should not worry of babies because babies only after Marriage, then me and Sakinah don't really feel something that somehow suddenly I talk of marriage she will think of Rape or Molest then? She really don't feel anything for me?

I'm thinking how I can get jobclub stability in my mind that they actually giving time-off Abit maybe due to knowing spikes then haven't contacted me yet about it?

I don't know why sometimes it's actually okay to write her name because of my Facebook profile I think, have me and her as photo. I don't know when this is going to end it feels like ending just because I'm reaching 38 years old next year. I want my mind to rest peacefully.

If I had money I maybe walk around her job places and keep wasting $100 I imagine $2 to and back m.r.t = $4, 25 days is $100, wow I really want to spend time with her and it's expensive? Means I would keep searching for her my entire life? Why did this happen to my life? She didn't feel guilty at all without understanding I'm in love and pain of missing her? Her off days meant for her family and niece maybe? I really feel quite okay about it then. Will I be happy this way I am still unstable to work and doctors maybe knew this day too? A moment of spikes becoming alive and causing unable to sleep happens again? Is it maybe the smoke stuck inside nose even? I want to feel fine, like focus on medication would be nice.

Why doctors won't just give me her number? Is she playing like a test if doctor would give me her number and actually want it in her heart secretly? Why is my life like this can I just live my life with her and babies only after marriage is confirmed? Why they feel I will have babies before marriage? Didn't they speak like me and Sakinah is marrying each other already she still didn't notice she's my soulmate?