So old So sad

I don't know why others don't find it abnormal I'm this old and then single, my neighbours proven even schizophrenia can get married and have children, while I live into difficulties and having nobody for more than 17 years.

Sad I don't think family know what type of girl I want anyway, odd choices may appear as question too, I really feel helpless.

I don't know why like (S) knew I will recover at 38 years old and like memories that I will meet her again, I really love it if it happens, I don't know why it's like this kind of waiting so long is let be to happen, why not take the risk even if I am in difficulty and living with g.s.t or assurance package?

Only she knows stuff about me A lot from Doctor if I remember correctly, it was in M.R.T I saw her. I truly miss (S) a lot.

There's like no recovery from it.

I don't know what I should do, Plato really have stalkers, it's normal to be schizophrenic as the reason of pain instead? My life have someone readying to redirect into a kind of understanding instead.

I don't know if Soldier job will appear why doctors not telling me if it will happen This December? June next year have Jobs for Mental Health Patients I think is just another energy or confirmation of 38-41years old i start saving $50K, wonder why it's a lot like that.

In my heart keep praying for help, and doctor to help me about my O-Level Plans, will I do it? I really need a push from Doctor himself or Any Doctors that knows me.

If I remember I would go U.S.A And Do My O-Level at U.S.A Instead, I was thinking it's A-Level then I think I remember "I will become a soldier and do my O-Level", I wonder it's actually part-time of both? Will it be in U.S.A, my Era of life waiting for (S) is ending, I will never see her again 1 day I think, give up and decided not to marry and just become the best uncle in the world. I really can't trust any girls of my age, matter of virginity especially. Or what if have an experience that's unforgettable with other men? I'm really giving up about searching for girls. The questions will be the same if had s*x before, if do anything wild with other men before, etc. it would be repetitive, I really don't have anyone in life.

I don't know how I can fall in love with Anhedonia my heart still sticks for (S), even (W) and (A) is worried about, I don't see myself marrying 4 girls, because I feel (S) is my Soulmate that I will go from her Soon 1 Day at 38 or 39 to U.S.A, Soldier Technological Sector. It's just the end like that my waiting for (S) since Kindergarten? I guess so, I don't know how to get her at All.

I fall in love at such a baby age, for so long, then there would be 1 last try before it or just (S) accept me as her lover if she reads? I really feel helpless. My love is like neverending misses and it's so hot kind of pain missing (S).

I wonder why everyone let me grow so old until 37 years old without rushing me to have a baby at all, it's weird it's like this. Maybe they believe doctor that baby would be sick everytime if I have a baby? Today I ate Vegetable, Chicken Chop with Tomato Rice, won't my baby become stronger then? I think of eating the same tomorrow because of the Vegetables.

How can it be easier that (S) to be Mine? How Doctor know I'm just Schizophrenia and nothing Insane is because he's a psychiatrist? 17 Years is way too long, next year is money imaginations that's a lot from people. I don't know why suffering is okay or understood as "okay", like misunderstanding that causes pain can don't happen can it be like that doctor? No accidents that's painful from my own Family.