I finished 1 of chocolate bottle my father bought just now, and 1 small bottle of mineral water, I'm sitting on sofa bed now waiting for my father to be back home, he said tomorrow night then we will go home, I am reminded of (S) and smallgirl if she did get to eat me anything as interfered in my time(moment of 1st time talking in m.r.t) with (S), sad how I think of it happen, and I hear back means the small girl called her father(the Wali Allah) and loudspeaker and interfere my talk with (S) I think. Sad how life I lost 2 girls because of small girl, then moment with (S) especially I love since kindergarten age, then I like lost it early.
22 years and 17 years is just too long - (W) and (A) like not thinking of me at all, (S), why are they like that they didn't take time to understand schizophrenia? Small girl wasted my life moment like that I wonder if she will be single until 38 39 40 41 too, will she be clueless what's going to happen to her at this age? 40 years old is an old age to think or talk of marriage and small girl cut my relationships ever since 17 and 20 years old, twice and 2 different girls. Sad how they far apart from me without even thinking of me, like they don't wonder why I'm far as something not good "for relationship", but they became far apart, even consider break-up as reality as communicated with other guys I think, whatever my life became ruined by small girl.
I can't know why (S) think or feel nothing about me, some people just the heart have to be like that, someone love then I'm just the normal man as remember she ever tunang with "Iman" before even after I expressed my love, means I'm nothing to her sadly, I need to get a life I wonder how. Once I get a job(but I don't know why I'm not physically stable) I will think of a solo life, (S) really have to do this to me sadly.
Doctors won't let (S) feel my presence or communication anymore if I decided to leave (S) alone, right now maybe doctors still trying to get her for me, just because she not married or have a child yet I still got the chance. Then we're so old already by right people used to say that if having a baby late causes the baby to be sick all the time, I think the estimated year is not even 40+ years old but (S) don't care and still in her own world of own time and own target and goals. She don't think of me sadly. Maybe I would've gotten her number if small girl wasn't around, I'm sad small girl really was around maybe it ruined my 1st chance of "contact", I would've maybe known personally she would tunang with "Iman" through phone sms from her? Hahaha.
Hmm.. I really am left alone about not getting (S) then only my blog is my only effort to get (S), I really don't see any chance at all as fact, I don't care what love story doctor created me to feel, it's just a hope feeling - "she said she love me on 17 November 2025" like it makes me feel happier as it's not verifiable, I really have no way to know doctor is truth on this matter. I really have no one for so long too.
My father says tomorrow night is when we will be going home, another long day at Batam I guess, I wonder what we will be doing, will I stomachache alot of times? Will I be okay? I really hope it's smooth days at Batam tomorrow onwards like I've cleared by bladder tomorrow before going out or something that don't cause me into a panic of rush.
I still think of (S), she seem most understanding of whoever I have spoken with, the chat with her on M.R.T, she seems to understand what I need more than my family, she is different like what my heart and mind believe about her, she's really special. I hope they think about death like "if I die and (S) don't get to be with me" and effort to get (S) for me, I don't know why they don't care about me and (S), they knew my death? I know doctors told me my parents will die at 100+ years old, it's still so far ahead, they will see their grandsons from me and even my children's children, that's what doctor told me, I hope he's right but he's psychic he's been right, then why doctors don't ease my family about rushing jobs to me? Like make them relax a bit more because knowing I can't work yet?
(S) Is my effort working? Am I getting you to respond this way? Is it a waste? I can't know I know I'm just writing a blog, hope she reads and react towards me that I can somehow communicate with her. It's really been more than 10 years, my love is real and I'm not a crazy man maybe she feel like that? Like I'm crazy saying love and unaware of my surrounding? I'm really aware and know (S)'s face. I hope you contact me soon (S), time flies people can die anytime as fact.
No comments:
Post a Comment